a return after long wanderings

i used to...

2007-01-21T10:53:00.001-05:00

when I was younger i used to be as quiet as i could be.
trying to blend into the back ground
all growing up i had one good friend that i was stuck to...
this one friend understood me in some way and i clung to them for strength

in kindergarten and first grade it was tiffany
by second grade it was hollie until fifth grade
that year i met quiana and she lasted until seventh when i met alison
alison became my support and life line from 7th until just after high school when i moved away

alison was the longest support my "weakness" needed.....out of all of these girls
alison is the only one i still speak to regularly...i still consider my friend
alison was also the one who needed me most....so we kind of needed each other
emotionally,mentally....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

what does that mean?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

when I was born i was born with a hurnia(sp wrong? i know) because of this i wasn't allowed to cry or strain
until it was healed. well....i was a screamer. being the youngest my siblings and mother and father took turns holding me and rocking me and entertaining so as not to upset anything. well.....i was a screamer. i ended up in the hospital four times the first year...having ripped it. the doctor finally told my mom..."If you have to stand on your head to keep this child happy and not screaming you do it...she can not be back in here again or we're going to have to undergo mayjor surgery"....

I went home....my family proceeded to stand on their heads. making up "watermellon baby" songs that my dad jokingly sang to me until I was 13 or 14....crazy jig dances to keep me smiling....talk about spoiled! the begingings of heavy dependence?

~~~~~

but my dad was always very sick and by the time I was in 3rd grade I was terrified of sleeping in my room. sleeping instead between my mom and dad or outside their door with my fingers stretched under the sill....feeling as close to them as I could. I knew my dad was always slipping away and by that time the diabetes was so out of control atleast twice a week we were woken up by my mom crying or screaming or shaking us awake...."hurry! go get some sugar water and some peanut butter...NO no! he'll choke on that....just get three glucose tablets and crush them up in soda...orange juice..wahtever! and hurry!"....I'd come back to her lying half across him....his lips pursed like a child...tossing his head back and forth.

"Come on honey....drink just a little bit....we need to get this down you" my mom says

I look over to the blinking numbers on the blood sugar monitor that my mother has just used. 77 or 63 or 52 flashes on the screen. I know that is much too low and my heart speeds up. we know we have about 5 minutes of trying to persuade him in this state before it's time to call that number.......

I run up to the bed...my older sister next to me...wiping the gallons of sweat from my dads forhead.

"Come on daddy...just a little bit....do you want to go to the hospital....come on...just a little bit" and our eyes were gritty and our stomachs were upset and if we were lucky he'd open his mouth a little bit and get the heavy syrup to run sluggishly down his throat and he'd be ok. but sometimes...alot of the times.... that didn't happen. we had to call and the ambulance had to come and we had to miss school sitting up on the couch with the phone between nichole and stephen waiting for mom to call....to let us know if we were ever going to see our dad again.......

.....i've always been terrified of sleeping alone. i'm 23....nothing has changed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i was 15....we all know this story already....my dad finally slipped away....he finally had rest......and i felt lost and she felt lost....and didn't we all feel just a little lost?

he was always sick....but he was the back bone he was the faith and teh quiet strength

they all moved on....it was best.....leave the memories...leave the pain....heal your soul a little....i didn't begrudge them that.

so it was just mom and i ....until we moved here.

and she was a shell of the woman she had been....lost and crying and lying in darkened rooms for days on end..clutching his housecoat...afraid to wash it....afraid to lose his smell...

and i wasn't her daughter...she was mine...i wiped away the tears and helped her crawl out of hell and she's been my mother,daughter,best friend ever since.......but what dependence we all had....on each other....sometimes to an unhealthy point.....but thick or thin,right or wrong....this is me.....and my family has never told me I told you so and they've never not been there to pick me up............

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

relationship after relationship i drowned myself in these people. needing some kind of strength because i felt i had none. there was beauty and glitter and faired images on water and we healed each other...but the other relationships came and went......and i stood on my head and i did little jig dances...anything to keep them happy....gaining weight and losing weight and "That's not what i want".......they always said....but I didn't feel enough inside of my self...not realizng that my weakness was the very thing pushing them away and if I had to do these things to keep them happy (or so I thought) then what really was the point anyway?

and I had a child......and my god...my world came to a stand still and i looked down at her tiny 6 pound body cradled in my hands and her warm cheeks....her pudgy fingers and spiky black hair and i loved her from the very second i saw her. and I knew things needed to be different......this baby was going to depend on me for a long time...forever in some ways...and what was there to depend on if i was depending on every one else.....

I am not a baby with a condition anymore.....I am not a child afraid of losing one of her parents....i am not a child afraid the other kids will call her fat or ugly or nappy head......i am not a teenager afraid if she doesn't smile and bend over backwards and agree with every comment the boys won't like her....i am not an adult searching for myself in someone else....

my name is neshira....i am twenty three years old......i am "full figured" and lovely for it....my hair is brown and curly and riotous and soft and unmangeable....my eyes are hazel or brown or green or whatever.....my lips are very full.....i hate football and i hate baseball .....watching it,playing it,breathing it....it's there and it's never going to change....i love music and i love to dance when no ones watching and i go through 18 gallons of lip gloss a day.....i love eye make up....black or green or smokey gray and who cares if it's too much it's me and it's mine and i like it.....i love cheetos and pickles and crab meat and barbecue sauce and black raspberry ice cream it's bad but it doesn't hurt once in a while....i love to sing, i love to sing and sing and sing...in the shower...to my daughter....while i cook or do dishes and drive the car......my dream is to go to a tiny bar and sing a nora jones song to no one....just to say i did it....just to feel my feet on a stage and my hands around a microphone.....

i love dogs and turtles and lizards and fish and i don't like cats...they scare me....they're eyes and manners intimidate me and oh well.....i just don't like them..........i have large breasts and large hips and small feet and small hands and i love to tell stupid jokes and watch the rain and smell the rain and feel the rain and feel nature and beauty and love ALL the time.....i hate that television and telephones and work and bills take over life till we forget the color of the grass and the smell of the wind....because that's not life..that's not even living...that's necessary meaningless... and it chokes us and binds us to loves that will never love us back...

I smoke cigarettes...and it hurts my lungs and it's so bad for me and yes yes yes i should quit...and i will for my daughter if not for my self...but of all the necassary evils, give me a break....i love to hike and it makes me out of breath but i absolutely love love love it....i have 25 goals...written down to accomplish before i die and i've only accomplished 3...3!....but there will be time.

I love black clothes and I love home made clothes and i hate designer anything....and i'm borderline hippy and who cares....i love the taste of rum although i don't drink it hardly at all......and i hate doing dishes and i hate doing laundry and i hate taking out garbage but that's life and it doensn't really take up that much time anyway.......

I used to.....depend on everyone for the strength i thought i needed to absorb to live day to day life.....i used to.....but not anymore...i'm finding a quiet strength inside of myself that i think is one of the most beautifull things i've ever discovered...coming from a place of becoming

i used to........

as if i were watching your dreams in my head

2007-01-20T20:19:00.000-05:00

You only talked to me
You said, "Tell me"
You asked, "Do you think Love and Soul are the same?"
If not, how does the Soul earn Love?
How does Love find it's Soul?
Can one exist withought the other?
If Love and the Soul had a child
what would her name be?

"Tell me your name" I said
"You already know
If you are Soul
I am the other one"

I heard the sea in your voice
sheer waves breaking on pale powdered sand
I heard the glossy rustlings of the cypress and olive trees
the footsteps of maenads and panpipes playing
echoing caves in the mountains
cloven hooves striking the rock
At their approach birds took flight into the white skies

After a long time I fell asleep

In the morning you were gone....

~pg.8-9 Psyche in a Dress,(Francesca Lia Block)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wish I could write like this
I wish light and glitter and wonderfull warm pure things
poured out of me
I wish it would touch someone
I wish I didn't feel as if my head were floating right now

my fingers are sore and cracking. i squeeze them occasionally,pressing them
to my chest or beneath my warm thigh,trying to soothe the ache. it doesn't matter. what
a trivial thing. really.

I wish warm red and yellow and orange sketches were life
I wish the black background...the paper the sketch belongs to....the void....
were real....not just an image behind your eyes in a darkened room
I wish mouths could open and pour out! pour out! mine.....everyones!
spew it....don't worry about the glory or the pain or the poetry it may create
let it be!

this is life!

THIS!

this beauty....this pain....this insecurity....these prayers! all of it! THIS is what matters.

we swirl and we swirl and we release and we become and we go back and we return and we begin and what what what!
WHAT!?

THIS is me....not this hair....this pound of eyeliner I apply to hide the shade of my eyes...this 15 layers of clothes I wear to hide the shape of my body.....I am beautiful and so are you and so is everyone and so are we all. sometimes I lie awake at night trying to count the perfect second and sometimes i pretend if i close my eyes and tilt my head far back i can float off into nothing and i'll teach my daughter to lie on the floor and and close her eyes and listen to the quiet and just be.....just be

what else is there?

and who gives a shit what the hell the rest of the world thinks.

this is me

whole and complete

i am not a flower

i am not a weed

i am a tree

branching out....

roots rich and deep

and I am...I am

2007-01-19T21:54:00.000-05:00

Here i am. floating, flying high above the trees.
and the beauty of the breeze.
you are you
and I... am I
I am I am I am

my heart feels oddly light
incandescent
not my own

but it is...and this is me!
me!

I don't make sense
and I'm not the most wonderfull of wonderfull
but i am wonderfull...do you see?

some things happen
and some things pass
and some things come again
and some things just are

I am not bitter
i am not wrong and I am not right

mistakes are made
and things are forgiven
and things just are...sometimes

if this should be then it should be
maybe...maybe I wasn't the one for you
i hope with all my heart you find that one
and i hope it's light and laughter and love

and i am me
me!

so this is it
the light in the clouds as we pass in the car
the smell of bread rolls baking in the oven
birthday candles and presents and "ho-ho-ho's"
family gathered around the tree....i'll miss that

but some things should just be
and this should be

and I'm ok with this....this be that is

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i'm going home. it's time.it'll be a few weeks....but.....

one can only return
after a period of absence.but perhaps that was always my real...
my true....return after long wanderings...

a few days of introspection

2007-01-03T23:53:00.000-05:00

when i was fifteen my father passed away. i watched,numb,as the nurses stood in the door way crying softly. nurses that he had supervised for 20+ years, stood in the doorway of the small corner room of the ICU crying softly.

as doctors came in and walked back out again their heads lowered. with still no answers why he had lapsed into the coma.

as my mother and grandmother leaned over him wiping the blood away from his nose.

that night i went home and sat on the street corner curb watching the cars pass by.
filing up in front of the house.cars from new hampshire and massachusettes. from florida and georgia.even from washington. people filing out.going up into the house trying to pull my mother out of the hell she was currently wallowing in. an empty shell sitting on the couch staring at my dads jacket on the back of the chair in the foyer.

and i ran. in a blur of angry tears. to the park 1/2 mile down the road. and i sat on the bank of the pond and I stared at the ripples the wind caused on it's surface. i sat there for hours watching it's surface. eventually it grew dark. eventually the street lights came on. and i sat there mesmorized by the glow of the light dancing on the water.

and i saw myself reflected....and i wasn't sure. exactely what to make of the image i did see..............

so i get up off the couch and i go back to the bathroom and lock the door and stand in front of the mirror and stare at myself. at the shape of my eyes and my nose and my lips. my hair and my ears and the length of my neck.

it's eight years later....and i see myself reflected....and i'm not quite sure.exactely.what to make of the image i see.

an actual return...after long wanderings

2007-01-01T02:49:00.000-05:00

So this is actually...a return after long wanderings.

I haven't been here lately because i haven't felt like myself. I don't know what was wrong. I was just blah..and sad feeling inside.

And I realized Christmas Eve night after leavig the warm den of his grandfathers house just what that sad feeling inside was. It was missing my dad. It was needing him here next to my mom, handing a purple purse, with the picture of Tinkerbell,glittered and poeitic on the front,to my daughter. Excited and hands extending.

But life is beautiful. As so are the streets of Louisville, Kentucky on a Sunday night at approxiatmely 9:45 pm. So are the street lights flashing by..bringing to my mind the warm hazel eyes of my father, I glimpse every once in a while in the bath room mirror. Wishing he here were. Glad he isn't. He isn't hurting anymore. But needing his hand on my shoulder.

Tonight we went to a house party. At a long time friend of Chip's friends house. It was warm and wonderfull. The night air brisk outside, just enough to drive you back inside to warm drinks and even warmer company.

Tonight just as the ball began his descent. As the people inside. Loved,beloved.just getting to know....as they chanted that age old count down.

10....

and then he pulls me aside

9........

"let's go ouside..." he tugs my hand toward the pattio door and I clutch his hand in my left and my sweatshirt in the right

8.........

I Look back inside as he wraps his arms around me..

7..........

"you love me with all your heart , right?" he asks me. I smile looking back at him. "Yes,of course I do" I aswer with my eyes brows raised.

6............

"And you could see yourself spending the rest of your life with me?.....his left hand reaches down into his pocket. I nod my head in the positive motion

5..........

I look down at him fumbling in his pocket breifly. Something clicks in my mind....wait a minute..the balls just about to drop....what are we doing out here..?.....

4.......

he's holding a black velvet box.....and I keep my head down, staring at it.....thinking about the conversation his mother and I had the other night..if aiva's being good for my mom....why chips hand is shakeing a little bit....why my knees begin to .....

3......

"Will you marry me?"....he holds my face in his hand. stroking his thumb over my cheek

2.....

Are you serious?...really?..I ask him, holding the ring between my fingers. between his fingers.

1......

"Yes" he says. simply

~~~~~~~~!!!!HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!~~~~~~

they scream inside. the t.v plays that sad song they always play during new years, that always reminds me of Miracle On 34th Street. And I say simply.

Yes...yes.

Holiday Meme

2006-12-05T22:01:00.000-05:00

HOLIDAY MEME:
1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?Such a hard decision. But I guess Egg Nog since it's a once a year treat and Hot Chocolate is all the time

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just set them under the tree? My very much older(only two years) very much more mature brother told me at the age of 31/2 that Santa was not real. So presents were always from Mommy and Daddy

3. Colored or white lights on tree/house? Growing up, it was always white lights on the tree and the house. But as soon as I got my first apartment with my sister we decided colored lights and I like colored lights much better.

4. Do you hang mistletoe? Yup, my dad used to hang them in every door way. An excuse to kiss my mom in front of us back when we thought our parents kissing was "ewww!". But he used to call it tickle toe with me and lure me under it so he could chase me around and tickle my toes.

5. When do you put your decorations up? Day after Thanksgiving

.6. What is your favorite holiday dish? We do something different every year. THe past couple of years it's been an Italian dinner...Lasagna or Stuffed Shells,tossed salad,garlic bread and thanks to my oldest sister a million and a half cookies and deserts.

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child? The year every single one of us was sick. It was so great because my dad worked two jobs and always had to work christmas and the day after. we would get up at 5 am and open presents before he had to go to work,then go back to bed. but the year we were all sick he was there the whole day and it was just nice even though we all took turns running to the bathroom.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? Like I said, 3 1/2. What a cruel cruel world. But I've got Ki-ki's now, so I've started beleiving again :*)

.9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? We used to go the my grandmas and sing carols and sweat like crazy in her 125000 degree house and open our grandma presents and then go home and open one mom and dad present on christmas eve.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree? (I'm going by my childhood, but things will be different this year) My sister Natalie and I dance around like lunatics and wrap every decoration we can find around the tree until it threatens to fall over. My brother would sit on the couch watching, my eldest sister would bark the orders and my mom and dad would put on each of our individual baby ornaments and hand painted ornaments from my grandma and leave the rest up to me and Natalie.

11. Snow - love it or dread it? I'm from upstate New York. I LOVE IT!!

12. Can you ice skate? ...negative. But I'd love to try again!

13. Favorite holiday movie? Emmit Otters Jug Band Christmas,Raisins Special,Muppet Christmas,Bernstein Bears Christmas,White Christmas(Danny Kaye,of course!),Frosty the Snowman....I can't pick one.

14. What’s the most important thing about the Holidays for you? The music,the smiles,the "wow's!",the warm lovey feeling

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? I hate pie...but at Christmas I love Blueberry pie with vanilla ice cream

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Singing Christmas Carols at my Grandmas because we had booklets with all the classic songs and my Grandma still got all the words wrong.

17. What tops your tree? An Angel in a white and gold dress

18. Which do you prefer, giving or receiving? of course giving(grins!)

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song? hmmm,hard one. White Christmas I guess

20. Candy Canes, yes or no? Of course.

and I now tag Chip and no excuses you can use my blog (hehehe,muah hahaha....he thinks he'll get away with it because he doesn't have a blog)

es muss sien

2006-11-30T22:19:00.000-05:00

"In the sunset of dissolution everything is illuminated by the aura of nostalgia, even the guillotine" -M.K

When it comes to writing,Milan Kundera,in terms of characterization and my own fears and ideals,describes it best... "characters are not born like people, of woman;they are born of a situation, a sentence,a metaphor containing in a nutshell a basic human possibility that the author thinks no one else has discovered or said something essential about."

He goes on to say...."...the characters in my novels are my own unrealized possibilites. That is why I am equally fond of them all and equally horrified by them. Each one has crossed a border that I myself have circumvented. It is that crossed border which attracts me most...the novel is not the author's confession;it is an investigation of human life in the trap the world has become"

There is this amazing book I found discarded in the cold,damp basement of a 2 story colonial house I lived in,in New York(I've described this house before,now split into an upstairs and downstairs apt) The cover is torn and the pages are stained. From time and water and mildew and my own eager ink smudged fingers,I am sure. On the cover are a pair of womens delicate manicured hands balancing a bowler hat between it's index fingers. The picture has so many meanings,if only you'll flip open the cover and grace it's pages..or rather let it's pages grace you.

This novel (The Unbearable Lightness of Being,by Milan Kundera) is about two peoples relationship,four people intertwined really,who on a physical plain(the chechoslavakian republic in the 60's) have nothing at all in common with myself or anyone I've ever known. However, on an emotional level,is all of us. The funny thing(and whole point of this blog entry) is the title of my Blog..*A return after long wanderings*.. This has forever been in my mind, well not forever but seemingly as far back as I can remember. I thought always that this title,this short set of words had been birthed from my own poetic soul. I would say that were I to ever complete a novel this would be it's title,or something quite similar. However,I must apologize to Mr. Kundera for this assumption!

Towards the end of the novel one of the characters dies,his son decides to have carved on his headstone....a return after long wanderings. My heart slammed inside my chest while sitting at my cubicle. I had stolen this phrase?! I hadn't even realized it. I'd like to think,poetically,that Mr. Kundera and my own creative abilites are so in sync that the same phrase birthed from our souls with out any knowledge of the others writing. But I can't accept, or take credit for,that. Somewhere along the way this book simply spoke to me on such a direct link that the phrase stuck in my "poetic memory" and I adopted it as my own. So in apology to you Mr. Kundera, but also in thanks, for a beautifull phrase and an amazing book.

Here are some of the many quotes from the novel that I love so much.

pg. 209 "I have said before that metaphors are dangerous. Love begins with a metaphor. Which is to say, love begins at the point when a woman enters her first word into our poetic memory"

pg. 139 "the only truly serious questions are ones that even a child can formulate. Only the most naive of questions are truly serious. they are the questions with no answers. A question with no answer is a barrier that cannot be breached. In other words, it is questions with no answers that set the limits of human possibilites, describe the boundries of human existence."

pg.89 "Being a woman is a fate Sabina did not choose. What we have not chosen we cannot consider either out merit or our failure. Sabina beleived that she had to assume the correct attitude to her unchosen fate. To rebel against being born a woman seemed as foolish to her as to take pride in it"

legends

2006-11-27T22:38:00.000-05:00

So I had a little downtime at work today and decided to be poetic.

~~~~~~~~
Love
I imagined you something strange
a mythilogical one eyed conqueror
something unreachable,a legend
the fairytale form of breathlessness
starlight,enchantment and glittered moments
always

but love,what is this?
this emotion you've overflown my hands
and heart with?
where is the ever present storm?
the high winds?
"ruthless and raging and consuming completely"?

is it the calm? this love?
and do the storms come,like sunlight,in glorious streams?
bursting upon myself in magnificent appreciation?

let it be,love!
the calm and the storm!
the soft,warm,late night conversations
the moments of enchantment and chaos
let it be
forever

the making of our own legends

~i love you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So we're still fighting this impenitrable sickness. All three of us. But the copious amounts of medication seem to be putting a dent in the armor of this mighty thing. It'll be allright soon. We'll all be running and playing and enjoying the holidays. Fingers crossed.

sleep well dear ones. all of you. near and far.

Belated Thanksgiving

2006-11-25T17:13:00.000-05:00

So it's a belated Happy Thanksgiving message.

The begining of Thanksgiving was spent in the hospital so that wasn't too fun. And it's wierd,I'm making a record of it I think. I've spent New Years,my Birthday and now Thanksgiving in the hospital. Aiva has been sick really since we returned from New York. SHe'll go 3 days sick,4 days ok,2 days sick,3 days ok....it's been like this for 2 or three months now and Thursday morning I finally got tired of the tossing and turning and uncontrolable temperatures....they didn't help all that much at the hospital. And the doctor there was realllly wierd. But I had to do something. They put her on a stronger antibiotic, so hopefully that will help. She was good yesterday and then last night she spiked a fever again and started getting a little delirious, I got it to come down and she slept all through the night until 11am! and she's been sleeping now since 3pm...I guess all that time with out sleep she's trying to make up for it.

Anyhoo, other than the morning and part of the early afternoon spent in the hospital it was a good Thanksgiving. We spent it with my mom,her boyfriend, my eldest sister and her two children and my other sister. And I burnt the rolls! again! I've been doing so good with them lately and I burnt the bottom of the first batch. Oh well. Some people don't even have rolls right now, I told my sister when she picked on me,lol. Nice come back I know.

Ki'ki's and I spent the night in Chip's room and she slept pretty good, I felt bad because he offered to sleep on the couch and I kept saying no no she and I would sleep in her room, but he insisted and I was up early to watch my neice and nephew anyway.

And then today I get on the computer to check a few things and see an entry from him. How sweet :*). I didn't even know he did it. I love you too ho-ney!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~"This man who had rescued her from the ocean...and she was shaking. He walked with her. She was trying not to cry. Maybe they had all been her angels, in a way. Delivering her to the next place. Maybe any love we ever have is an angel in whatever form-a little girl fighting death,a white horse who could have been a father once, a boy on the beach..."
from Echo,by F.L.B

(I love this book, it's so full of beautifull details and hard sad moments and soft uplifting rebirth...)

be well dear ones....Happy Holidays.

The ones who stole my heart

2006-11-24T00:52:00.000-05:00

Hi first of I should tell you that this post is being written by Shira's Boyfriend Chip. I am nowhere near as talented as her in writing so bear with me!!

I spent my first thanksgiving with my new extended family today, I have to say I truly have alot to be thankful for. First and formost my Honeybear. She is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me in my 29 years of life, along with her came Aiva kiki, the 2nd greatest thing. I feel like for the first time i am whole. All 3 of us have been sick for the last couple of days but Aiva seems to have it the worst coughing and sniffling her way through the day trying her hardest to be in a good mood! ( she loves to burp ) thinks its the funniest thing, It's 12:30 in the morning she keeps coughing and waking herself up and all she says is juice took a big gulp and let out a burp and then chuckles. Shira just took her back to lay her down in my room, I like to keep it cool in there maybe kiki will be more comfortable .I'll just crash on the couch no bother to me but she is making a big deal out of it. I guess I tell shira I Love her atleast 50 times a day and times like now that just doesn't feel like enough. She started her new job and since I cant work right now I sit at the house all day only leaving for Physical Therapy or to go to my part time job that I have at night. I miss her so bad thoughout the day I just can't seem to get her off my mind I don't think she truly realizes what she truly means to me. So sice she has no Idea that I am writing this Shira I LOVE YOU with all my heart and Soul and that will never change!

I am also thankful for the Greatest family a man could ever ask for. I'm sure at times I haven't been the greatest son or brother but through it all they have been there.
My mother is the greatest woman in the world making sure I am fed and healthy and always lending that ear that i just need to unload on.
My Dad is a true hardnose that keeps my life heading down the right path and if I choose to stray he lets me, but I can only go so far till he lets me know that I am about ready to screw up I could'nt ask for a better role model to have and I only hope that one day I can be as good of a dad to my kids
My older sister lives quite far away and I dont see her often and I can say when we were younger we were'nt really that close. but nowadays when we get the chance to talk we chatter on the phone for what sometimes seems like hours, she Is a great sister and I would change our relationship One bit!
Now last but not least is my little brother, well where to start as kids it was the classic little bro big bro situation, but as we have gotten older he has been the greatest brother a guy could want
he has helped me out when times were tough and has gotten me back into cars which is both our passions, I cant really look at him as a little brother anymore at times he seems to be more grown up then I am but he still knows whos boss (hehe)
I just want to say to my family that I don't say this near enough that I love you all and thanks for being who you are.

what a beautifullness

2006-11-22T22:09:00.000-05:00

The lights are turned down low. I can feel a small draft creeping up from beneath the floor boards,entering up beneath my clothes,my flesh,my bones. And I shiver.

My little ki-ki is sleeping. she's spent the day running and playing and coloring and making cookies with grandma and her cousins when we got home from work. She sleeps,feety pajamas and large blue silk blanket cacooning her small form. Oblivious to the television and the small creeping drafts and the cars rushing by and the world revolving at large. She sleeps.

And what is? what is? is? Is this it? this?

What a beautifullness..is that a even a word...well it is now....it's mine...what a beautifullness.
~~~~~~~~~~
So Donna and Glenn (two awesome people I work with)and mom and I all had a great conversation today while we waited for calls to come through. Glenn is this guy who reminds me so so much much of my uncles in New York, he would blend in at a family reunion. He makes me miss them. And Donna is this girl who reminds me of my sister and a free spirit. She's this awesome girl who's artistic and intelligent and just yeah,free spirited I guess is the best way to describe her. We talked about beauty and art and astrological signs and music and it was nice. I miss those sorts of conversations. It's a nice connection.
~~~~~~~~~~~
So it is late and perhaps if I'm lucky I'll get a few hours of uninterupted sleep. Happy Thanksgiving to you all. Eat! Be merry! Be safe! Enjoy family and good naps! But most of all remember to give thanks. To God,earth,air,sky,other worldly dieties....whom or whatever...just give thanks and be jolly jolly :*).

Sweet dreams all of my dear ones.

work and relax and begin again.amen.

2006-11-19T22:13:00.000-05:00

(here's my Aiva having fun with my cousins daughter,it's from the summer but I wanted to put it in here simply cuz she looks so happy and i like it)

This weekend has been nice and relaxing, almost hesitent to start the second week of my new job. Almost...the part that likes lying on the couch and watching toon-toons with my ki-ki's and coloring..that part. It's a large part. But there is a part that recognizes the need to earn that paycheck,I enjoy that part as well,I promise. It's long and tiring, but that's part of the fun too, makes the days off much more special. more to look forward to.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

in the rain,sing a song,in your head....so secret life,in your eyes,it's allright....so be surprised,by the lullabies,that keep us in line,tonight.

~Aaron Pillar
the applesead cast
hundred hands

~
what's it like to make a metaphor
my mother's a womb
my dad's a guitar
my love is a heart
or a kiss
or a star
or a prayer for my life as I sleep in the car
she's a doctorate in rain
and the same last name
or a light in the dark and my god is the same
my life is a speck of dust
or a flame
and I'm all the better for it
not knowing, or caring, it's not for me to choose
some call it trust
some call it faith
it's all just a matter of taste
and this is not me
and I've fooled you all again

Jason Gleason
Further Seems Forever

~sleep sweet all dear ones. *smile!*

needing advice

2006-11-16T21:26:00.000-05:00

Ok so something happened last night and this afternoon that I need a little bit of advice on. It concerns Aiva.

So last night after I got off from work I headed to Aivas Daycare, pulling in my mom and I noticed her boyfriends work van in the parking lot. Odd, but I didn't think too much of it. Maybe he was just waiting there for my mom,saving me an extra trip to her house. As I get out of the truck he opens the door and I realize that Aiva is in the front seat. I'm more than a little surprised.

Me: "Oh,ok..you picked up Aiva?:
Moms b/f:"Yeah, I figured I'd save a trip and pick up your mom too, plus I haven't seen her in a week and I wanted to say hi"

Aiva's happy, and I trust him no problem really. I notice Aiva's daycare providor looking out the window. So I get Aiva in the car and begin to back out, looking back I see my mom with a puzzled look on her face and talking to to her b/f as if she's upset.

On the way home I stop at Chip's job and he opens the window and says "Honey, your moms on my cell phone. So I take the phone and talk and he tells me to just keep it until he gets home. When I get home our conversation goes like this.

Mom:So I talked to Jody(her b/f) and he said he went in and said "I'm here to pick up Aiva" and the daycare providor *Cindy (fake name for confidentiality) says "Oh,ok,let me look on the list and see if your name is here...Yup,here it is...ok,you're fine,go ahead"...so he took her.

Me: I'm not upset with Jody because I don't trust him with Aiva,because I do. but that is my child and I don't feel comfortable knowing all somebody has to do is walk in and say "Hi, I'm here to pick up Aiva" and they can take her!

Mom: I know, but I am upset with him and I told him so because he had no right to do that with out your permission.

Me: So *Cindy didn't even ask him for the password or his drivers license to verify it was him?

Mom: No, she asked for his license and when he said "Ok, I'll go to my truck and get it" she said "Oh, don't worry about it if it wasn't you you wouldn't know you're on the list".

Me: Are you kidding me? SHe's never even seen him before and she's just going to take his word for it that it's him!? So anyone could just go get my daughter whenever they feel like it! She's getting a peice of my mind tomorrow.

So I go to drop her off this morning. Very very upset, and the other woman *Kathy is there and I tell her that I"m upset about the way they handled it and what it some random guy off the street or some random woman walked in and said "Oh, I'm shira's b/f or hey I'm shira's sister,give me Aiva" and you just hand her over! However, I swear I did not once raise my voice. I said simply that I was concerned and it mademe more than a little nervous and in the future would they please only release her to those I've given a hand written note to or after calling me first and making sure it was ok. She said that was fine. She was apologetic and nice and agreed that yes that is policy to not only ask for identification but a note or phone call as well. I left feeling a little better.

When I got off work today and went to pick up Aiva she was eating some noodles at the table with the other kids. Happy,content. However *Cindy walks right up to me and says...

Cindy: I didn't know it was a problem to release her to people you had on your list. IF you didn't want them to pick her up you shouldn't put them on your list.
Me: I have no problem with those people picking her up *Cindy, however as I told *Kathy earlier I would appreciate it if in the future since none of you have ever met anyone in my family other than myself,my mother and my b/f on 2 occasions, would you please only release her to them if they have a written note from me or verbal confirmation from me that it's ok.

Cindy storms into her office and gets Aivas file and begins scribbling.

Cindy: I'm not going through this! I'll just put that they need 15 different things to pick her up!

me: *cindy,we're both adults,and as such i would appreciate it if you weren't sarcastic and look at this from my point of view. This is not a cup,or a shoe or a product we are talking about. This is my child. All i'm asking is for you to give me the same consideration,and my daughter the same protection that you would your own children. I'm trusting,and paying,you to take care of my child. That entails security,not just nap time and meals.

She's still upset. And I feel my face getting red. Not to mention my mother standing behind me,who looks like she's about to strangle this woman.

I get Aivas coat and leave.

Outside my moms fuming. I look at her.

Me: i know,i know mom. she's out of there. i have enough to worry about and i'm not going to worry now that she's going to take this out on my daughter because she's mad at me because i'll strangle that woman before she harms my child.

So my question is this. Where her actions justifiable? Were my re-actions justifiable? Am I wrong?? What would you have done,or how would you feel in this same circumstance?

all comments are welcome and appreciated.

sleep well dear ones.

and you wonder...

2006-11-15T21:03:00.000-05:00

You wake up in the morning. Knowing this is life. The day must begin. The day must go on.

There are showers to take and runny noses to wipe. Breakfasts to prepare and cuppies to fill. Drives to make and goodbyes that have to be said. But returns will come again.

You go about the day. Doing the mundane things that make each one run to gether, that make each one definable. But it must be done. Money has to be made,earned,spent.

And you wonder about the life you could have led if you had led it a little differently. Schools that were attended and schools that could have been attended and schools that should have been attended. The goodbyes that could have been reversed the hellos that never even happened. But this is life and we must begin each day anew.

And this is. maybe just as it should be,because it should be.

and the week goes on

2006-11-15T20:33:00.000-05:00

So yesterday was my second day of work and things went alot smoother and much more fun the second day. There are a ton of terms to memorize...hcfsa,fsa,hsa,hdhp,dcfsa,tsp...and those are a few. Don't know what they mean? Yeah, I didn't either. However about 3'0clock i started feeling really achy and my head was pounding and I was so sick to my stomach. I felt so bad because by time I got home I was ready to pass out and Chip had made dinner for us. I ate a biscuit and was in bed by 7:30. I tossed and turned and threw up through the night. This morning I took some dayquil and by 11 felt halfway normal. But I found out my nephew has strep throat and a sinus infection. So yay!

Anyway work is going well. I really like the people in my "class"(feels like that more than work) and today we worked in groups again and got online and looked through the enrollment pages and claim forms. I like it, and for 4 more dollars an hour I'm hoping it'll work out.

The hours however are really depressing me when it comes to Aiva, I have to drop her off between 7:15 and 7:30. Then pick up my mom and get to work by 8:30 and yes it takes that long, I'm lucky if I have 5 or 10 minutes to spare. By time I get out and get to Aiva's daycare it's about 6pm and she's asleep in the car before I get home. I get about an hour or two with her before she's crying and wanting to go "night-night". I used to work 50-55 hour work weeks but that was before I had a baby and it's alot harder when I feel like I'm neglecting my baby because I have to work. But I know things will get into a routine and we still get weekends right?

Anyway time to relax a little bit before bed. Sweet dreams dear ones.

The sun shines

2006-11-13T21:00:00.000-05:00

First day of work. It was alot better, or I should say alot less stressfull than I thought it would be. It was actually quite fun. I learned alot. I learned what my job description actually is. So I'll be helping employees of the executive branch of the federal government set up FSA accounts. FSA stands for Flexible Spending Account. It's actually funny what I broke it down to be, but I'm supposed to be confidential and all that stuff. I'm actually doing for them what they could do in about 5 minutes online themselves, but I guess Im helping those lazy people who don't want to do it themselves.

I met a few really awesome people too. One girl is about my age and has a little girl that's about a year older than Aiva. We got to talking because when we went around telling a little bit about ourselves she let me know that her neices name is Aiva too just with out the I. And this really funny guy who's been there about 3 weeks, he started working there the day I was originally supposed to begin. We talked a little bit about the job and the setting and the people who work there and he said it's a really laid back environment and he loves it so far. So things look really positive.

Aiva was a little mad at me when I picked her up from Daycare today. She had to wake up very early this morning after a night of tossing and turning. She was at day care for quite a while due to me having to be to work at 8 and not getting out until 5. It's about a half hour drive to and from so she was very clingy when I picked her up. I was clingy too and feeling a little guilty about leaving her for so long,but momma's gotta work.

Chips been saying I love you ever since he picked me up, I think we got a little too used to spending our days together. But things will fall into a routine and get easier on all, I'm sure.

Still got some laundry to do and find clothes for tomorrow so sweet dreams all. I promise my weekend updates will be better.

Sweet dreams dear ones.

Ps. Chips dad got home today after going through surgery and rehab and Chip said he seemed to be doing really good, so yay!!

long kentucky nights

2006-11-11T22:44:00.000-05:00

So the babysitting thing didn't happen. Ki-ki's was up all night with a fever and throwing up. Then I woke up and called the doctors and that same nurse that I've logged a complaint about atleast twice answered the phone and gave me another excuse why the doctor couldn't see Aiva. So she got an ear full. I won't say exactely what I said to her, because it wasn't very nice and my mother would smack my mouth for 70% of the words I used but I was very very upset. This woman seems to think a 2 year old with a 103 temp. can hold out till monday afternoon. Aiva always seems to get sick on fridays so this has happened more than once. I know what it's like to work a weekend. It's not all that fun and I know being a nurse isn't easy work, however we aren't teenagers anymore and weekends don't hold as much sparkle as they used to. And if you aren't going to give 100% to a job then you need to change professions. I'm compassionate,really, but not when it comes to my baby being sick.

So after a rough night I didn't want to go out. I wouldn't leave a sick baby with anyone just so I could go out for the night and I wouldn't have any fun anyway worrying about her the entire time. So maybe next weekend. We'll see.

Anyhoo, it has been a long couple of days so once again a boring update. I'm sure I'll have more to say by monday or tuesday night.

sleep well. dear ones.

ps. i need a new pic for my blog profile. which one do you think. one or two?( I really don't know how I make my eyes do that wierd crossy thing)

aivas room

2006-11-10T22:44:00.001-05:00

here is a pic. of aiva this morning about 8 or 8:15 just before it was time to take her to day care.

the other three are pics of the room I promised Alissa. my daughter has a full size bed, for the simple fact that she sleeps vertically so small infant beds and twin size beds just don't work for her. the walls are still kind of bare, i couldn't find a lot of my old stuff. so i have to go get her some girly decorations. but i did put Alissa's lightning picture from the fair on her wall cuz she says "wow" when she looks at it.

welcome to the crab shack

2006-11-10T22:44:00.000-05:00

So it is officially the weekend. Aiva has successfully completed her first week of Daycare.

Today when I picked her up she was outside playing with the other kids again. She saw me and came up to give me kisses."Bye-bye mommy?" she asked. "Yup,let's go bye-bye. Did you have a good day?","Yeah" she says. She leans over and gives the woman a hug and kisses her cheek. She calls her tee-tee. I think her name is Tina. So that's a good sign, and i'm happy she's happy and settling in. It'll be a long week for both of us next week. I sincerely hope she's feeling better by then.

This weather is driving me nuts. 79 degrees today! Is it November or June? And right now I feel like it's 100 degrees in here. Which is odd since I'm always always cold at night. I'm just crabby and I think a slight fever that will most likely be over before the weekend. Better be over! I start work on monday. I'm excited and apprehensive. It's something new. And I hate change. But I know I'm ready for something new work wise.

So I got a babysitter for tomorrow night. :gasp: take a picture. It'll be what the second time out in the past 7 months. It's allright. I dont really like going out that much anymore anyway but it is nice to know that there are other life forms out there. Anyhoo,like I said I'm crabby tonight so no waxing on poetic like and nothing extraordinary. Just me. Just shira. Being crabby. grrr.
((I know what you mean Alissa,having crabby days. blahhh)) :grins:

sleep well and have a good safe weekend all dear ones.

nothing much

2006-11-09T22:02:00.000-05:00

So I'm in a super goofy mood. Today was a good day I suppose. Nothing spectacular. Aiva was outside in the nice weather running around and giggling with the other kids when I went to pick her up from Daycare which was a great sight. However her small cough from last night was more prounounced and accompinied by a runny nose,so that's not good. I got a cold from her about a week and a half ago that I've passed onto Chip and now apparently back to her again. So it's gone full circle. Darn wishy washy weather!

Anyhoo not much to say today so that is all I'm going to leave you with. Sorry so short. And I promise tomorrow Alisaa I will have the pic's for you. They are taken just not downloaded yet.

Sweet dreams dear ones.

another day

2006-11-07T19:39:00.000-05:00

So today was another day. The second day of day care. And it wasn't half as bad as yesterday.
As you can see it is 7:45 and i'm updating already! Yes, Aiva is peacefully asleep. I'm not one of those mommies who puts the baby to bed the second the street lights come on,quite the contrary actually. Usually it's a 10-10:30 bed time. But I think two days of waking up so early and running and playing and coloring has just worn her out.

Chip and I had a great day though. It's so wierd having all this free time.(Still 5 more days before I start my new job). After taking Aiva to daycare I came back home and curled up next to him for about 45 minutes before we both got up and got ready to start the day. We decided to run errands today and have lunch together.

We decided to go vote first. His voting area was at the Country Club and mine was at the Baptist Church. What a long ballot! It seemed to take forever and I felt bad that 80% of the names were so forgein to me. But I did vote for the candidates I knew about and embarrasingly enough the ones I didn't know about I chose by picking the last name I liked best. That is horrible to admit. I'm sorry.

(Ps. Chip was a little irritated that there were no "I Voted" stickers at either locations. I offered to run to the dollar store and pick up some smiley face stickers so he would still feel special. But that just earned me a smack on the tush.)

Anyway, afterwards we ran to the bank and then to Cracker Barrel for lunch. Oh do I love panacakes(yes,pan-a-cakes) with black berry syrup. Usually i hate panacakes but theres are wonderfull. And we held hands and laughed and joked and rocked in rocking chairs and played chess while we waited. It was nice. Very nice.

So kiki's made it through another day. Mommy made it through another day. And tomorrow we begin again.

Sweet dreams one and all dear ones.

(Ps. Alissa it is the back room, not the office. Will take pictures for next blog.)

Ki-ki's first day

2006-11-06T21:18:00.000-05:00

First of all thank all of you soo soo very much for your comments. They were really uplifting and although I don't know all of you I love you guys for being so caring. Thanks so much
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So we woke up about 7:30 and began getting ready. Aiva was cranky for all of 5 minutes before she started getting excited. I think she knew today was play day with all of the other kids. By 8:30 we were ready to go so we went and woke Chip up and headed out about ten minutes later.

Pulling into the drive way Aiva was chanting "hurry,hurry,hurry", that really sounded more like "hoowey,hoowey,hoowey". Made mommy feel great that she was so excited to get away from her(grins).

We walk in and the woman walks up to us( is it bad that I dont know all of their names yet?) and she says "hi Aiva". Aiva smiles. I kiss her cheeks about 100 times and Chip says "Go ahead honey,put her down." So I set her down and she runs into the room with the other sleepy children.

She runs right up to a little girl,puts her hands over her own eyes and screams "Boo!", the little girl giggles like crazy and goes running away. Aiva laughs and goes off to find her next victim. I try to find reasons to stay. Describing exactelly what I brought.

"Well there are two changes of clothes,a new box of diaper wipes,full pack of diapers and two cuppies in case she gets thirsty. She usually get's really thirsty in the morning"

The woman smiles and says "Wow, you're really prepared. I like that. Usually I'm lucky if I get an extra pair of pants and a few diapers."

Chips smiling. Maybe to humor me. Maybe because Aiva is still running around getting a kick out of scaring the other children.

I rattle on some more about times to pick her up and drop her off and paper work and who really knows. I probably told her my shoe size and mothers maiden name at some point.

She smiles knowingly and Chip says "Come on honey, she's ok".

I look over and Aiva's staring at me from two rooms away. She smiles.

"Bye Ki-ki's" I say and wave. She just smiles and turns around to stare at another little girl.

We walk out the door and get into the truck.

"How about breakfast?" Chips asks

"Ok" I smile. Trying not to feel the lump in my throat. But I did good. They welled up in my eyes. Many times. But not one spilled over.

After picking up breakfast and heading back to the house Chip looks over and smiles at me again. "She'll be ok sweetie, I promise"

And I know no other single person in this world can promise such a thing. But it does make me feel better. I also see the look in his eyes and realize he worries as much as I do. And that makes a world of difference in itself.

So we get in the house and have breakfast and enjoy the quiet and each others company for about 45 minutes before it's time to start on the spare room. We decided to make it Aiva's bedroom but there is alot of furniture and random articles from years past that need to be moved and cleaned and wiped down and vaccumed.

All the while I keep making little comments like. "I hope she's ok","she's ok","I wonder if she'll like it",and "Do you think she'll like it?".By noon we are done removing all the old furniture,setting up the bed,moving in stands and lamps. And I'm sure I drove him nuts. We take another break and I see him off to his physical therapy appt.

While he's gone I dress the bed and set up stuffed animals. Put up pictures and search through my tote and boxes for little girly things from my childhood.

He returns from his physical therapy about 2, just as I'm putting up the last picture. He smiles but I can see that he's in pain. Or atleast very uncomfortable.

But he likes it and we talk for a little while before heading out to make turkey sandwiches for lunch. We settle on the couch and wait for it to be 3:30.

It's time to finally leave and we head out to go get Ki'ki's. The whole while driving I'm wondering if she had a good time and if she'll like her room. We pull up and head in. She's standing in the middle of a bunch of kids waiting for there mommies and daddies.

"Hi baby" I say. Waiting for her to run into my arms. She walks up and reaches, I pick her up. She lays her head on my shoulder and pats my back. And it's so funny that she tries to be reassuring like that.

The woman walks up and hands me a picture that she colored for me to day. A picture of Curious George with green,yellow and grey swirls all over the the place. And it's beautiful.

We head out to the truck and buckle her in,putting on the CD she loves.

"The Itsy Bitsy spider..." she giggles and plays peek-a boo with Chip at all the red lights.

Back at the house we get in and immediately want to show her ,her room. We turn on the light and show her the door that days "Aiva Ki-Ki's Room" in black letter with a heart and umbrella and stork framing it. I found a bit of soft pink silk to drape over the top and she says "Wow!".

We open the door and she walks in. A little confused I think. Her grocery cart is in the corner. A bin of toys by the door. Her books on the night stand. She twirls in a circle "Wow,wow".

Later that night...After cheeseburgers and fries and ice cream and bath time and jump on the bed and wrestle with Chip we head back in to go to sleep. She jumps up on the bed and says "Boooo-k!"

So I grab the four books on her stand. "Itsy-Bitsy Spider..","The Birthday Gift","Oh my Baby little one" and "God, I need to talk to you again".

We read each one atleast three times and she says "Night-Night". So I turn off the light, cuddle her close to me and kiss her all over her face till she says "Hey!,night-night mommy". (grins).

~My little Aiva is 2 years old. She thinks she's 22. She's bossy and independent and clingy and whiney and everyones mother. She smiles in the mornings and cries in the mornings. She thinks she's a big girl when she uses the potty and she needs mommy next to her to go to sleep. And I love her more than I've ever loved any other person in this entire world in my entire life.

~*goodnight and sweet dreams. All of you dear ones.

like sparrows

2006-11-05T22:54:00.000-05:00

The clothes are laid out. Purple sweat pants, striped purple sweater. Small crisp white socks. Blinking sneakers. Diaper.

And the bag is packed. Two changed of clothes. Just in case. Diaper wipes. Two cuppies. Diapers.

My little Ki-ki begins Day care in the morning. Why am I so nervous!?

I'm afraid she'll cry and miss me too much. I'm afraid I'll miss her too much. I'm afraid she'll be mis understood. Or mistreated or too hyper or too sleepy. I'm afraid of letting go even 10% of my mommy responsibilites that wear me out but make me fall in love with her more and more each day. I'm afraid her food will be too hot or too cold. And isn't that silly?

I'm afraid the other kids won't be nice. Or she won't be nice. Or she'll want to come home as soon as she realizes I'm gone. I'm afraid I won't be able to leave. I'm afraid I'll cry. But mostly I'm afraid she'll have too much fun and not want to come home.

This is so silly. But it's been an emotional day. And I just want to cry right now. Knowing in just a few hours I have to leave her in the hands of complete strangers that don't love her and cherish her like I do. Grrrr. I'm worrying too much. Am I worrying too much?

Please comment! Helpfull suggestions or just reasurances. please.
~~~~~~~~~~~
here is a poem i wrote for Aiva about a year ago

Sparrows
by. NCH

And we danced above
like sparrows
above the beauty of the trees
my love
you and i

the heart of my essence
the essence of my soul
my little beloved

we spread our wings
flew above the breeze
and there was no more pain

finally i have found you
quaking deep within my belly
unsure of this world,
to welcome or stifle your tiny spirit

but it is here
beneath my hands
that you have found love
that it and I are yours
for all time

oh, my little beloved
the beauty of your face
keeps me weeping
the wonder of your presence
keeps me beleiving

in all of the passion
and life that I will teach you

and you are my love
my baby
my little beloved

and we will dance
my love
you and I

like sparrows
above the beauty of the trees

we will dance

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
love you all my dear ones. sweet dreams.

The Dog

2006-11-02T21:59:00.000-05:00

So i had just done a complete update and it's gone and now I have to do it again. So i'm doing it. I will do it. But i'm not happy, not happy at all! Stupid technology!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today is my best friends 23rd birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALISON. Sorry I couldn't be there to say it in person, but I am about 10 hours (driving distance) away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've felt pretty blah for the past two days. It seems all of those mommy kisses my little Aiva so sweetly woke me up with the other day was the perfect opportunity to give me a little gift. The sniffles. But I will be ok by monday I am sure.

Monday Aiva begins Day Care. I'm still nervous about the whole thing. We've gone to visit atleast 5 times in the last week or so.Always unexpected. And every time the children are smiling and playing or smiling and eating or smiling and having a giggly nap time. And these are all good signs I'm sure. Still I'm mommy and i've never had to worry about her when I leave for work(my mom or sister have watched her thus far). This is a transition. For both of us. I just wonder who's going to take it harder. But I think I already know the answer to that one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well I did promise to update with another one of my fathers short stories and so I shall tonight. After looking through the selection and picking this one I did however come across something else. A 6 page treasure neatly folded and tucked in the back of the book. My fathers autobiography. And it was amazing. Pretty emotional actually to read these very words from my fathers heart. And for me to see them not as a daughter and for them not to be written as a father or husband. But just a man. A man searching for deeper things and simpler times. For fairy tales and magic when diapers and bills and work clogged his poetic abilities. It was nice once again to feel that bone deep connection beyond the grave. What a lucky girl I am.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Dog

by:SDH

The dog was a cruel one indeed! How does an animal get to be so overwhelmingly evil? How he got that wa sis irrelevant the fact that his is, is that he chose to exercise his evil on me not once but a second time. It was as though he was seeking revenge because of his not finishing the job the first time around. You see, he's gotten into the house once before when Chrissy had left me alone and he'd mauled me and left me crippled. He thought me finished then, but he must have some how discovered that I was still around. Anyway, I'd been given a second chance in life and here he was again and, of course, Chrissy was gone as well. I could sense him skulking about outside. The low gutteral pant could be heard above the sound of the wind and it caused me to shiver. My worst nightmare was about to be realized and I was sure he would not leave me intact this time around. His stealth rivaled even the most accomplished jungle hunter as he crept even closer.

Suddenly horror sang through my veins as I looked over and noticed the bedroom window half open. I was helpless! Obviously, I could not close it and no one was upstairs to help. The logical conclusion, therefore, was that the vicious animal would surely find the window and it would be the end. I bagan to quake and rattle in horror of being ripped to shreds. Memories of my first meeting with the beast came flooding back from the darkest recesses of my mind. I could hear his low guttural growl and panting. So loud was it that it must have been the only sound present at the time one singular purpose. Saliva dripped as though from a faucet. His glare was second only to the Medusa of Mythology,as I sat there on the bed frozen. This was the end for sure,this time he would not merely rip out an arm at the shoulder. He would surely finish the job. I could see him kneeling down slowly. Any moment he'd be inside and all that would be left of me would be a memory.

I hoped Chrissy would have a good memory of me. I prepared myself for eternity as his nose cleared the bottom window sill making his full head in open view of the window. ANy moment now........the bedroom door flew open and Chrissy burst into the room like the cavalry of old to save the day. She gave the beast a look that melted his ferocity and a stern "NO!" sent him howling away. She turned to me and embraced me,"Oh my baby! I'll never never leave you alone again!" She hugged me tightly and a little bit of stuffing fell out of a small hole where my left arm had been from that previous assault,but I didn't care. I was safe and with my Chrissy again. As you see, the life of a Teddy Bear is not as dull as you might imagine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

sleep well and dream well, dear ones.

as water

2006-11-01T00:20:00.000-05:00

as water is the most powerful

of the elements,

unconditional love

is the most powerfull

of all emotions

*dreams

echo

2006-10-31T12:08:00.000-05:00

the television is off. or atleast the volume is. and it's raining outside. a dull drizzle. dark brooding clouds. i've got a million thoughts going through my mind and the rain keeps coming down.

why does it have to be a gross day or a dull day or a yucky day. why can't it just be. beautifull.

and it is. beautifull and refreshing and renewing. and it smells wonderfull. the cold creeps in and settles to my bones. i wrap the blanket closer.

ten more minutes before it's time to wake up aiva and be off again.

ten more minutes to enjoy the nothing. the sound of the rain. the smell of it and the cold.

it takes me back to days of before. it's nice to remember things forgotten. pushed back in the soft parts of your memory and stored for moments like these.

i've had alot of these moments lately.

and i wonder.

maybe it's finally time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And here I am

poised above with my arms spread flying

and there are halos of light,

spinning out of us.

and yes this is me

becoming holy human and my own self

~Echo

(Echo,Francesca Lia Block)

silent hearts in the north

2006-10-30T23:04:00.001-05:00

*for a dear friend in new york.*

We lie awake at night. the sounds of life flowing around us. when will it be? when will it become? who am i? where am i going?

and there is silence. and how can we live with this silence? it's maddening!

and there is noise. always. when will it end?

and when will it just stop.

when will it just cease.

comfort and warm and become. this wonderfull something i've been waiting for.

but there is light.

and it is warm. and it will envelop. and it will overwhelm and it will fill and it will be. will be. will be. a new awakening.

*your always in my thoughts and forever in our prayers. we love you. even here. even so many miles away.

love,
shira

little pleasures

2006-10-30T23:04:00.000-05:00

*Thanks to grandma and grandpa R. for having us up last night. For the wonderfull dinner and cupcakes. Also for the clothes,books and beautifull winter jacket. Thanks to Kellie and Doug for the toys and clothes*
( i will have pictures later)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
today was hectic and wonderfull. nothing really spectacular. but i just loved him so much today. for no particullar reason. just because

aiva and i jumped around in the leaves today. chased each other. layed down and watched the leaves fall from the trees.

"you see that? what color are they?"

"wellow?" she asks.

"that's right,yellow"

she points up as they fall. amazed.from her place beside me.

"oooh,wow mommy"

and i smile as i watch the leaves fall down. she giggles when one falls on her nose. and i love that beyond life.beyond all the stupid little worries every day. she can watch the leaves fall down and find it an amazing thing. and i realize the things i take for granted. like the sun sets and the rain storms. and the sound of people mowing their grass. and smiles and laughter and kisses.

lifes little pleasures.

*sweet dreams dear ones*

last nights update and Birthday tale

2006-10-26T22:41:00.000-04:00

happiness is the moment of utter perfection. can perfection really be acheived? who knows, but I think we each individually define our own happiness. our own perfection.

perfection is the moment of utter bliss. nothing at all to do with the serenity of silence. it is a riot,a chaos of emotion and un explainable things at the heart of myself.

you place this happiness inside of me. looking over at me with your soft smile. repeatedly telling me you missed me today. and being my night in shining white truck,lol...when i was shivering outside of work.(my sister forgot to pick me up from work,the one time I've asked her in countless months).

i love you. for however long forever turns out to be.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wake up. It is 7:45. Just ten more minutes, I convince myself. But it's time to get up just 6 minutes later because I feel myself slipping into that nice warm,dreamless sleep.

I roll a very sleepy,very cranky little birthday girl out of bed,grab a cuppy and a few diapers stuff it into a diaper bag and head out the door.

It's another one of those mornings spent watching my neice and nephew. Aiva is unusually cranky and clingy all morning.(keep reminding myself it's probably not right to reprimand or pop bum-bums on birth days,so she get's away with alot this morning) Two o'clock rolls around and it's time to head out again.

Before I pull into the drive way Aivas chin is on her chest and she's snoring quite loudly. I trudge up the steps and back my way into the house,my arms full. Chips sitting in his chair. I smile and whisper "hi babe" and go back to lay her down for her nap.

We had decided that when I got back from babysitting we'd go get some wrapping paper and wrap the presents,get something that Aiva likes for dinner and a small cake and have her birthday here.

When I get back in the room however it is obvious he's revised the original plan. There is a chair full of presents across the room from him.

"I picked up another outfit for her while I was out getting wrapping paper this afternoon"

I smile and sit down,wondering why I deserve this man.

He asks what do I want to do for dinner. We decide on boneless chicken breasts,mashed potatoes and gravy and a chocolate cake.

While he's gone to the store I do the dishes. I finish just as he walks through the door. We mix this and heat that up and it feels nice to be in the kitchen making dinner with him. (really he made dinner, i just decorated the cake)

Aiva wakes up just as dinner is finishing. Surprise:grins: I'm sure my little Buddha belly could smell the food cooking all the way back there. She gets up on the counter and starts picking at the chicken. "Num!" she says, which means she wholeheartedly approves,as expected.

After dinner we go in the kitchen to get the cake. She knows what's coming and comes running in. She's been waiting for this moment (blowing out the candles) for months now. Chips friend Chris has been helping her practice for the last 2 weeks on a candle Chip bought from his job. We even would have to sing the bithday song and clap afterwards!

After cake we place the presents in the middle of the living room floor and wait for her to rip into them. After a little coaxing she starts. Clothes are first and of course of little interest to a 2 year old. Next is the My Little Pony bath time plush that Alissa and the boys got for her.

"Pony,pony,pony,pony!" she chants as Chip tries to hurriedly remove it from the imprenitrable package.

She opens the gift with the doll and ooohs,but it's on to the next one which is a toy shopping cart. While Chip puts it together it's back to the pony and the chanting.

Chip seems to enjoy the shopping cart just as much,if not more than, she does.(hehe, had to put that in there to embarass him).

Anyhoo, it was a good birthday. She spent at least 2 hours pushing the cart around the house. And of course she had to take a bath with her new pony doll and then put on her new kitty pajamas. Long day for her I'm guessing since she was knocked out by 9pm!

ps. Thanks to Alissa and Drew and Nick for the Pony,pony,pony! And grandma and grandpa R. for the card and cash, she sat on Chips lap and pretended to read it.

sweet dreams dear ones.

it fades into the distance...close my eyes

2006-10-24T23:52:00.000-04:00

The t.v is on. volume set low. there are men running.grunting.tossing pig skin around I am sure. it fades into the distance. and i close my eyes.

the night outside is pitch.the moon a sliver of a crescent,clouds gathered around it. muting it's whitish glow. the street lights are on and buzzing I am sure. it fades into the distance. and i close my eyes.

beyond the street the cars flow fluidly.going home after a long day at work. returning home after traveling.picking up groceries.picking up children.picking up dust and forgotten things. most of them robotically performing these tasks I am sure.it fades into the distance. and i close my eyes.

the city around us is shutting down.turning off lights.locking doors.drudging to the drivers seats. falling into unmade beds. flicking off dusty lamps.dreaming up science fiction novels and award winning manuscripts.it fades into the distance. and i close my eyes.

across the nation. they close their eyes.brown eye lashes and blond eyelashes.pupils etched green and blue and grey. pale white porcelin skin and dusky skin and warm mocha skin. and isn't it beautiful. that we can view such loveliness. but it fades into the distance.and still I close my eyes.

the world revolves. hundreds and hundreds of miles an hour. yet all is suspended. put into movement only when we put into movement, and only then. and it makes me feel like my core is crying.like the center of my being is trying to learn,trying to understand all the secrets of this marvelous universe.but somehow it fades into the distance.

somehow the enormity of it all.

and still yet, the insignificance of it all.

somehow...somehow!

it fades into the distance.

and
i close my eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
this is as a whole, made up as I sit here. the lights turned low. the volume on the tv turned low. and i feel my eyes closing on me. doesn't it all just fade into the distance. sometimes I wish i were more spontaneous. to laugh at nothing. aloud. a huge smile on my face. the laughter fake or real. who cares. because it does just fade.really. this is only once. and this is only now.

it'll never be now,ever again.

sleep well. warm and comforted and always wanting,always yearning. my dear,dear ones.

....and I will be woman.

2006-10-24T00:23:00.000-04:00

So after cleaning out my closet I found many,many poetry books from over the years. That is,books I've filled with poetry. I found a book with quite a few uplifting female friendly poems. It's so odd because I don't remember writing alot of these. Almost all of my poems,that being atleast 98%,are about either love,life or something depressing. But this is a book almost all full of positive,strong poems. I am surprised at myself. hmmm. so here are a few.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*No title
b.NCH

I will break free from the center of my constricting flower.
The petals will peel back and my beauty will shine forth and I will be woman. Complete unto herself.
I do not yearn for the flower, the pretty weak flower.
That is not who I am!
I do not yearn for the meager drops of rain when the storm will suffice.
I do not ache for the vase when the wilderness completes my conflicted soul.
I will not be plucked and put on display.
I will not wither within your walls and hang dried as a trophy.
I am woman. Whole and free.
I am not a flower,I am not a weed.
I am a tree.
Branching out.
Roots rich and deep.

~
*No title
by.NCH

my friends. they know a part of me. but they will never know who I am. they tell me I can't.but I will. I've built moutains within myself.

my family. they know a part of me. but they will never know who I am. they think I'm strong and sure.but I'm afraid. I've stumbled so many times.

myself. I know a part of me. but I will never know who I am. I'm certain and uncertain all at once. I've built mountains that I'm too afraid to climb. I've fallen but always retreive myself somehow.

will anyone everknow who I am.

who I really am?
~
*I am
by.NCH

I am the earth. Rich and deep. Consistent and true. The world birthed from my womb. Nurtured within the soil of my fertile body.

I am the air. Wild and free. Confident in my sex. Proud of my race. Bending and shaping all around me, but never willing to change.

I am the fire. Brillian,untamed. Striving towards the sun. Still a little afraid,but never settling for the cinders.

I am the water. Flowing around you,conforming my shape. I am the water. This great many faceted diamond ocean with unbeleivable depths.
~
Dear ones,

I have held so much back. afraid of what others will think. always,within myself. through out my entire life. held back. proof read and edited everything. but it is a time for truth. within myself. this is what i love. words.forming them. how can I be anything but honest with them. so I begin now. I will not edit. I will not change anything. pardon now if anything should upset or offend. this is my writing. these are my words and for better or for worse it is who I am.

I have strived forever to be honest in every day living. but what about my passions. don't they deserve just as much respect,if not more? yes.

good night and sweetest of dreams all of my dear ones.

love, shira

letters from the closet

2006-10-23T01:38:00.000-04:00

cleaned out my closet today. books,letters,poems. lifelines. trees planted "IN THE FOREST OF NEW YORK" for those deceased and given in paper form as a reminder. how ironic. hair ties and bow ties and fruit flies and little glass dolly eyes. a plethora of nothing and oh,everything... gathered over the years. now neatly stacked in a box.:sigh:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I cannot rid this life of emptiness. It is consuming. I will never placate this bone deep aching.I cannot change it, nor understand. This something. I will never,never be satisfied. I cannot drown it with this liquid. I cannot veil it with this smoke,with these mirrors. I cannot alter it's image with these words. Still I do not want understanding. I will not bang down your door for a bit. I won't give it up. I am not me with out it. and who am I?

The darkness cannot conceil it. and i do not wish to be completed. am i not? or touched. my flesh. and i eat these words daily,in great satisfying gulps. my secrets tucked away. i am somehow very fond of this sinking pain. relish the cruelty. there is nothing else for me? is there nothing else for me?

we cannot waste this life. but we will.we will.we'll analyze and re analyze and analyze again. till every action,word,moment,breath is shaped to satisfy.and when it cannot be reformed and explained we'll simply say "it was meant to be". and i will and i have. and i'll do so till the day i die. hating every moment of it and regretting the second it's complete. and i'll pray. i'll scream at the center. hoping that my life wasn't in vain and I didn't pass up the golden moments and settle for mediocre ones. but I know that i have before. and i know that i will and i know that no one will ever have the whole of me. and isn't that nice?

the truth of what is me. and i'll wonder if i had shared would i have been a "best seller"? if i had been honest would i not have felt so afraid? we cannot waste this life, but we will. and we'll crush it to tiny peices. and we'll store it in our bones. and we'll wonder what if? and we'll wonder if the people who wondered "what if" but made "something" of it anyway will wonder "what if"? just as we will and do. and we'll smile and we'll nod as if we've cheated somehow. as if some secret were ours.

and we'll remember the late night phone calls and the tears and the stolen kisses and we'll make something of the scrap books of our minds in the grave and it'll be beautifulland it'll shine and it will be. i cannot waste this life! but will i? will i step back when i have always been told to step forward? and will i smile when it is ok to cry? and will you hate me? for all the things i did when i shouldn't have and for not doing the things i longed to? and will it matter? really? at all?

i cannot waste this life! i must fall away from the presipous of human expectation. I cannot fail to recognize in myself napoleanic instincts. i cannot deny my own characteristics. i cannot hold my breath long enough for the wave to pass and hope to come up sputtering when i know my body will gulp the water into myself the second i am submerged.

i cannot walk by.i cannot float on. i cannot hope. i cannot wish. i cannot wonder "what if". but i have and i will. and i will and i am.

written july 10,2003

~ it is late and my mind is forming things that make no sense to my valid self. so i'll close my eyes for now. good night all dear ones. known and foreign.

thought this was neat

2006-10-21T01:04:00.000-04:00

PaulSadowski.com Saturday, October 21, 2006

Birthday Calculator
2 June 1983
Your date of conception was on or about 9 September 1982 which was a Thursday.

You were born on a Thursday
under the astrological sign Gemini.
Your Life path number is 11.

Life Path Compatibility:
You are most compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 2, 4, 8, 11 & 22.
You should get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 3 & 6.
You may or may not get along well with those with the Life Path number 9.
You are least compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 1, 5 & 7.

The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2445487.5.
The golden number for 1983 is 8.
The epact number for 1983 is 16.
The year 1983 was not a leap year.

Your birthday falls into the Chinese year beginning 2/13/1983 and ending 2/1/1984.
You were born in the Chinese year of the Pig.

Your Native American Zodiac sign is Elk; your plant is Mullein.

You were born in the Egyptian month of Mesore, the fourth month of the season of Shomu (Harvest).

Your date of birth on the Hebrew calendar is 21 Sivan 5743.

The Mayan Calendar long count date of your birthday is 12.18.10.0.3 which is
12 baktun 18 katun 10 tun 0 uinal 3 kin

The date of Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 3 April 1983.
The date of Orthodox Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 8 May 1983.
The date of Ash Wednesday (the first day of Lent) on your birth year was Wednesday 16 February 1983.
The date of Whitsun (Pentecost Sunday) in the year of your birth was Sunday 22 May 1983.
The date of Whisuntide in the year of your birth was Sunday 29 May 1983.
The date of Rosh Hashanah in the year of your birth was Thursday, 8 September 1983.
The date of Passover in the year of your birth was Tuesday, 29 March 1983.
The date of Mardi Gras on your birth year was Tuesday 15 February 1983.

As of 10/21/2006 12:54:54 AM EDT
You are 23 years old.
You are 280 months old.
You are 1,220 weeks old.
You are 8,542 days old.
You are 205,008 hours old.
You are 12,300,534 minutes old.
You are 738,032,094 seconds old.

Celebrities who share your birthday:
Wayne Brady (1972) Joel Tobeck (1971) Dana Carvey (1955)
Jerry Mathers (1948) Marvin Hamlisch (1944) Stacy Keach (1941)
Charlie Watts (1941) Sally Kellerman (1937) Johnny Weissmuller (1904)
Hedda Hopper (1890) Sir Edward Elgar (1857)

Top songs of 1983
Every Breath You Take by Police Billie Jean by Michael Jackson
Flashdance by Irene Cara Say Say Say by Paul McCartney & Michael Jackson
All Night Long by Lionel Richie Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler
Down Under by Men at Work Beat It by Michael Jackson
Islands In the Stream by Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton Baby, Come to Me by Patti Austin & James Ingram

Your age is the equivalent of a dog that is 3.34324853228963 years old. (Life's just a big chewy bone for you!)

There are 224 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 24 candles.

Those 24 candles produce 24 BTUs,
or 6,048 calories of heat (that's only 6.0480 food Calories!) .
You can boil 2.74 US ounces of water with that many candles.

In 1983 there were approximately 3.6 million births in the US.
In 1983 the US population was approximately 226,545,805 people, 64.0 persons per square mile.
In 1983 in the US there were 2,444,000 marriages (10.5%) and 1,179,000 divorces (5%)
In 1983 in the US there were approximately 1,990,000 deaths (8.8 per 1000)
In the US a new person is born approximately every 8 seconds.
In the US one person dies approximately every 12 seconds.

In 1983 the population of Australia was approximately 15,483,496.
In 1983 there were approximately 242,570 births in Australia.
In 1983 in Australia there were approximately 114,860 marriages and 43,525 divorces.
In 1983 in Australia there were approximately 110,084 deaths.

Your birthstone is Alexandrite

The Mystical properties of Alexandrite

Alexandrite can assist one in centering the self, reinforcing self-esteem, and augmenting ones ability to experience joy.
Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)

Pearl, Moonstone, Opal

Your birth tree is

Ash Tree, the Ambition
Uncommonly attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play with its fate, can be egoistic, very reliable and trustworthy, faithful and prudent lover, sometimes brains rule over heart, but takes partnership very serious.

There are 65 days till Christmas 2006!
There are 78 days till Orthodox Christmas!

The moon's phase on the day you were
born was waning gibbous.

Click on the picture
for more information.

Click here to learn what your name says about you.

Poetry night and great news too!!

2006-10-19T21:39:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling poetic tonight so I'm going to just post a couple of my different poems from over the years. Most of them untitled.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*No title*
`by.NCH

I am
wrapped up in this like a spool,
craving this dark
as owls do.
Unraveled,exposed
a nimble creation
of unpainted fingernails

I am beautiful and betrayed
green with guard
omniscient,frayed...
just a little around the edges.
still hair flying free

I am a lone cord of song.
constantly wondering,
where did I go wrong?
piecing together slivers of lost time
into prose.

I am amazed and comforted by you.
curious to know,if others perceive you as I do.
a strum on my guitar...
the final note
of endless scribbles

I am,
nothing and everything in the same
a lady with a title
but no last name
afraid to show my fingers,
ink smudged and stained
because maybe..that is me
~2002
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*No Title*
`NCH

I imagine my first sight of you as if viewed through a stained glass window,or broken glass. Is the image distorted? Have I painted you with rosy hues?
Fallen in love with the warm glow your image reflects on me? And why do I even question?

Is this love? This emotion that I've overflown my heart and thoughts with? Or is love the image through the glass and uninfluenced when our eyes have finally cleared?

If so,let me stay in your glow,for just a little while longer.Do not disillusion me just yet. I love the reflection of me,seen through you.

~2006, I wrote this 3 weeks after Chip and I were dating! I was already falling in love with him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*The storm*
by:nch

I smell the scent of rain
carried on the wind.
and I imagine these new emotions forming,
not as an infant or new bloom
delicately
but as this storm
raging
sweeping across my fragile self.
me my storm,love!
ruthless and raging
and consuming completely!
or else pass me by
unharmed
unmoved
un unspired
~this was written just before Chip and I met. and surprisingly i like this. like,really like it. maybe because i was so emotional when i wrote it. but i don't really like anything i do so,i dunno....guess it just means i like it. hope you do too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Purest of Angels*
~by:NCH

Purest of Angels
Are you inside of me?
drinking from the nectar of my veins?
Are you the theif of dreams, or the bringer
of new wonders?

Oh,how it terrifies me,
like slow rain and cold nights
Are you present?
Are you there like one of my sightless dolls,
and will I veil your eyes?

Sweet,small,innocent Angel
I am not enough for you
The darkness I ingest will rot
and keep you bitter
I am not enough

My words will turn to ash
my soul with shrivel,and you will feed
from what I become
How can I bless you with this world?!

Will you know me,my love,for what
I once was?
Sunlight!
Or will there be deep shadows
behind your eyes?

My sweet Angel.
My faceless baby.
Are you there?
How could I ever be enough?

~This was written before I knew I was pregnant. When I was basically terrified of the thought. But what a wonderfull blessing she has turned out to become. My sweet angel, my little beloved.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So enought of poetry I forgot about my great news!!
I had an apt this morning and was accepted for Daycare so one of my major worries was just gone. THey are willing to pay for the cost completely! And then I had an interview and I was hired! Three dollars and seventy cents more an hour! And I'm out of work by 4 every day, and no weekends. I'll be working for an Insurance Agency. Some phone service to help customers with questions and a little data entry. So my other major worry was just gone. And then I called Chip all excited and he said "That's so great baby!".

What a great boyfriend I have. Could things get any better?

Goodnight and sweet dreams all of my dear ones.::hugs::

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ballet of broken ankles

2006-10-17T23:52:00.000-04:00

After reading my last entry again I realized that I wasn't completely honest in my writing. I left parts out so I'm going to revisit my story and re write a few things. In the mean time I'm going to leave you with a poem I wrote just before I left New York.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
a ballet of broken ankles,and life is...
by.nch

flickering lines across a movies screen,hollowed eyes,predestined emotion. and life flutters down,a feather caught in the mud,a smile given in passing.a blank stare received...

distance,choices plain and brown. predictable.music drones,full of regrets and hope.and life sticks uneasily,a wad of chewing gum in strands.a waters ring on the coffee table.never coming clean...

clawing in the corners. a scratching on the walls. the begin of restless nights.and life trickles down.across a windshield to the hood.mascara streaks in shapes unseen.stains on the pillows case...

a ballet of broken ankles.movements coy,eyes serene.and life chips and crumbles,a tiny flaw in the crystlas edge. a feeling deeply hidden.a well chosen word to soothe this soul...

heads shake,negate in unison.lips quiver,unbelief.and life turns it's back.presents a scene well suited.secure and well embraced.while underneath the sweep of cameo an image disintigrates...

and life...and life...adorns the street.a circle of silver wavering.i think my light has died.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
sleep well and sweet dreams my dear ones.

searching for titles

2006-10-17T00:19:00.000-04:00

I've been writing a story for about 3 years now. I began it shortly after I moved here. The story is somewhat sensitive. With out getting into anything overly personal, I'll give a short explanation on where the inspiration comes from.

First of all I was reading alot of Sylvia Plath then. Her novel The Bell Jar,biographies and much poetry. Also I was living with my second oldest sister who has for the last 5 or 6 years obsessed about her weight. Sometimes to a very unhealthy point. This story is about a girl who has dropped out of her second year of College. She lives in Los Angeles and is generaly un happy. She obsesses about her weight and wonders what her purpose in life may be. Basically she is very self centered as most of us are when we are young and trying to find ourselves. Hopefully by the end of the story the clouds with clear, we shall see.

It's hard to share this story for a couple of reasons. One, because I am very self concious about my writing. Two, because some of the content is taken from actuall situations involving my sister. And Three,because I worry how people will view me based on my form of writing. However if you can't be true and honest in your own form of passion(wether it be art,writing,photography,carpentry etc..) what can you be true with. So this is the begining of my story. Please let me know what you think. Good or bad.
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Untitled(as of now)
by.NCH

She was not classical. That is, she did not by any means possess that classical sort of beauty. Her legs were too skinny. And more often than not, unshaven. One breast was probably larger than the other. But it was her face. It was her face that was startling.

Her eyes were like huge empty orbs. Full of voids. Full of questions. Her nose was small and elfish,her lips pouty. And her hair was like short aurburn feathers framing her odd face. But together. Her face. It was like one of those torn posters in a subway station. Or a fancy shoe in the mud puddle that is the homeless mans front yard. It was harshest reality. And that was the beauty. It was beauty in it's simplest,most complex form.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a great animal chasing me. Always one step behind. I could feel it's breath brushing the tiny hairs on my nape. Just as I would begin to gain a little ground I would trip and sharp pains would shoot through my abdomen. He pounced and just as he was about to puncture me with his claws...I woke up. Sweating. Shaking.

I looked over at the clock on my window sill. 4:32 am. I wrap the blanket around me and step out onto the balcony. In the distance I can hear car engines starting and see little pin pricks of light. The city waking to a new day. The birds twitter. And I feel still asleep. Dead to it all. Dead inside my own skin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A job seemed an efficient way to fill in the useless time, while deciding wether to go back to school in the fall or use the money I'd saved and get my own place.

I began working at a coffee shop by the docks. Low life girls with short skirts and starving musicians constantly hovered beside the doors. Girls with short spiked hair and long platinum madonna styles. Boys with pierced noses and eyebrows. With guitars and harmonicas,skateboards...

I moved into a small apartment about 5 blocks from the cafe. I thought if I ever got up the nerve to ingest more than an apple a day it'd be burned off in the brisk 15 minute walk to and from work.

The apartment was called a Studio. One huge living room with space for a small table or a few floor pillows just below the picture window. A tiny,walk in kitchen. A bathroom just big enough to spin in a half circle with out your nose brushing the walls. And a bedroom the size of a shoebox. A shoe box. It was what I began calling the place.

It was littered with the small insignificant things I'd collected over the years. An ivory Buddah statue with large gold earrings,hand painted vases and old Iggy Pop albums. Crystals in the windows to catch and reflect the light into my eyes. And books. Books on the bed. Books proppng the door open. On the tables, stacked in corners on the floor. They were my children,my pets,my lifelines.

I thought I'd dig out an old 1950's silk dress I'd bought somewhere last summer but had been too round in the hips to wear. I'd layer on some dark make up and all my leather studded jewelery and go out for the night. In celebration of this new life.....

to be continued...

When I was a little girl

2006-10-15T01:19:00.000-04:00

When I was a little girl my father commented that he had always loved the sound of the flute and piano. He had always wanted a flute player in the family. When I was 8 I began taking flute lessons at school. I was always trying to impress my daddy.

He loved that my older sisters were in dance class and wished they had taken up ballet as well. I soon started taking ballet lessons along with tap and jazz a few years later.

My dad would spend all night making up stories and writing them down so that he'd have something to read to us at night. It was the best part of my day, I couldn't wait until after dinner my dad would say "Go upstairs and get into bed and I'll read you a story". He didn't have one everynight but when he did I'd close my eyes real tight while he sat on the floor between my brother and I's split apart bunk bed. I'd imagine myself in his stories. I began writing at a young age and reading them to my dad always trying to wow him. And even if they were immature he always told me they were wonderfull.

Of all the things I picked up in an effort to be daddy's little girl, writing stuck with me. I still love the flute and when no ones looking I'll do a little shuffle-ball-change around the house,but writing became an outlet for me. And later after my father passed away it became my major connection with him.

I found a story my dad had written probably about 13 years ago. It was one of my favorites, so I'm going to share it with all of you.
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Untitled
by,SDH

Esther was trying to sleep but it was quite impossible with the rest of them all talking so loudly. Chester was pushing Florence and Florence was pushing Angela and so on until all 347 of them were nudging one another awaiting a dip to cool off.

Suddenly it happened and there was a big splash. Ohhh, that was invigorating they all thought.

Something was wrong though, Harry couldn't find Sally. Through the crowd he looked till his vision became blurry. There's Harriet and Tom and there's Fredda,Johnny and Bubba. Ahh yes, and there's Fishbine and McGillicuty along with Harold, Ramus, Thorsun and Renfield. But where was Sally;He had to be with her just one more time, but time was running out. Suddenly there she was on the other side of the crowd. Splash and splash and splash away as he did, he got no closer to his beloved Sally. Then a wall appeared between the two of them and she was gone from sight.

Just as quickly as it appeared, though, it disappeared again and she was in his sight but out of reach. Many of the their friends that seperated them were absent now since the fall and rise of the wall. A crowd still seperated them but it was greatly diminished in size.

Down came the wall again blocking his view of Sally and when it lifted this time even more of their friends had disappeared. Again and again the wall came crashing down and each time it lifted there were fewer and fewer of Harry and Sally's friends to be accounted for.

Harry was deeply concerned for though he was glad Sally was still there each time the wall lifted it also became painfully obvious to him that the odds were against them both surviving this ordeal. Each time that cursed wall came down it obsurred Harry's view of Sally as well as preventing his getting to her. And as optimistic as he tried to be things looked pretty dismall for he and Sally. They'd spent their lives together, he thought. It just wasn't fair for it all to end like this. If only he could touch her one last time, he thought. That thought echoed over and over in his mind as the waves pulled the two lovers closer and closer together. At last, he thought, success was but moments away.

Crash came the wall again, and she was gone. Moments passed or was it hours. Harry did not know for it seemed an eternity for him. Patience never knew waiting such as this. Lifetimes seemed to be passing and in the wake of despair he shed a tear. He had never cried before, nor had any of his peers. But this was a tender moment wrought with raw emotion and calling for extraordinary measures. Life, he thought, was often a reflection of the willingness to participate. Harry no longer felt like participating.

Things were suddenly dark all about him, then just as suddenly became light again. It was as though some great shadow had passed over him. In the end he realized he was still all alone. In the deep embrace of grief and sorrow he had not noticed that the wall had once again vanished.

How many moments had passed, how many lifetimes, indeed how many eternities had awaitedhis notice of a miracle come true. For as his gaze scanned the surrounding pool he caught sight of his beloved. She was there,mere seconds from his grasp. Sally had never been more beautiful. Her radiance had no equal. And no moment in time could compare to this one. They embraced and became one vowing to never be seperated again. They looked around and realized all of their friends were gone. The Giant had left and in the process discarded them both.

Why they had been sparede was anyones guess. Fate had dealt them another hand and they were very gratefull. Indeed they were thankfull as they lay embraced in the bottom of that bowl. After all, the life expectancy of a CornFlake was a brief one.
Finis...
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So there is a sample of my fathers writing. I always loved his stories so much because you never knew until the very end what he was talking about. There is also one about a girl and her teddy bear that I am sure I will share at some point.

Hope you all enjoy.

Goodnight and sleep well dear ones.

the pale yellow glow

2006-10-13T23:24:00.000-04:00

When I was in high school,ninth grade to be exact,the floors had just been finished in cream colored tiles with gold flecks. They were so shiny and new, for a few weeks it was sort of like walking around on mirrors.

While walking from the Audotorium to my locker and then on to English you managed to walk the entire length of the school. I had Gym first period. After spending the 4 1/2 minutes we had to get from class to class ringing out the pool water from my hair, I would stare down into the tiles. Into the glass floor. If I got just the right mind set, or perhaps it was because I was physically tired,if I stared at the floor from just the right angle. It felt as if I were floating.

My feet would glide and the pale yellow glow from the flourescent lights would cushion my steps. I've written so many poems about this moment. I've written this moment in so many stories. I can't explain it.

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After my father died,I began to write again. My words bursting from my chest. Small,pathetic wanting shings. Yearning things. My inspiration now,comes in bursts. I've got countless poems. Things scribbled on dinner napkins and torn sheer of paper dug out from the bottomless pit that is my purse.

Countless stories that rushed from my heart,but before I could hit the pinacle of the story I'd lose interest,bursting with another idea. My writing seems so mundane lately.

The funny thing is I could write when I was sad or lonely. But when the sadness is gone the words stop. Any suggestions?

Perhaps I'll dig out one of my old stories. A chapter a night and maybe I'll be inspired enought to complete it.
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Derrick W.Sherman
*The Reunion Show

I once met a man and asked him if it were true when you get older you become wiser.He said that the only answer was to get older. Looking back to when I was a kid, I realize that my ignorance was a virtue. I saw the world in colors and shapes. Now my nerves keep me awake at night. I think about the future and what I want to do with my life. I asked that same man if he had an advice for me. He told me to quit living and start breathing. " Look around at the life you lead. Listen to the wind and the trees. Take time to smell the ocean breeze and sleep on the beach." He said that the beauty of this world was in its complexity and that our lives for the most part are ordinary. He told me to never stop painting, but mostly never stop creating. "You're as free as your mind will let you be. So what's holding you back?" he asked,"fear or laziness?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I thought this was beautifull. We all hold back don't we? We all have something we want to say or something we want to do. But we haven't. So what's holding you back? Fear or laziness?

I ask myself as well. :*)

Goodnight and sleep well dear ones.

For Alissa

2006-10-13T00:46:00.000-04:00

::hugs you from far away::I'm sorry you've had such a rough day. You know what's funny is the other day Aiva just wouldnt settle down. She didn't want to eat,or to have a drink. A bath wasn't enough,going for a walk just made her scream. I tried tickling and coloring and everything short of standing on my head to try and get her to stop yelling!
I just started crying. And I only have one!

But the funny part is I remember back to one of the first times I met you, at the boys double birthday party. They were sooo soo well behaved! So sweet and so polite. and always so cute.
On the drive home I said to Chip,"They are like the most behaved little boys I have ever met."(course I have my nephew,whom I love with all my heart,the living tornado,to compare with). And I thought you seemed so calm. I worried constantly that Aiva was going to be too loud or too hyper or eat too much. And I caught sight of you before we left and saw that the day was starting to wear on you and I was surprised. Like wow, she was just as on edge as I was.

Anyway I guess the point is that we all see things differently. You remembered your mom as being always so patient. But I'm sure more than a few times she was overwhelmed and I'm sure your dads shoulder even saw a few tears.

Some people are seemingly born with patience. Some learn it over time and experience and some (as i like to think of it)are just so full of life and passion there simply was no room left for patience. K, I
made that up, it's my excuse anyway. :*)

Tomorrow's a new day. And this too, shall pass.

Sweet dreams all dear ones.

For all moms,young and old

2006-10-12T00:13:00.000-04:00

(My beautiful mom,my nephew(spiderman himself) and my daughter)

The sun peeked through the clouds today.
And when it shines,it shines in glorious streams.
Literaly and metaphorically.

My mom got the house she's been looking at. She called me at work and I haven't heard her sound so lighthearted since...well since I can't even remember. She's such a wonderfull mom,she deserves a little sunlight. Or a whole lot.

I see what it takes to take care of one child and still work and it's amazing to finally comprehend all the work she did with out complaint,what she still does for me. Thank you mom for everything.

Have you thanked your mom lately? If you think about how much they do on a daily basis it really is amazing there aren't nut houses dedicated to them.

Thank you moms everywhere!

hollow mind

2006-10-11T00:37:00.000-04:00

Brian Martinez

"Dear Ginsberg"

I wrote a letter to Ginsberg and I

sent it to the sky,

through my eyes and to the

nearest stars and with pupils

opened wide, I cried and cried,

unashamed,uninhibited. the

angels read aloud to Ginsberg,

sitting in some heavenness sky

No wait,

Ginsberg,

don't tell.

stay silent.

I don't want to know,

I want to know,but I want to know...

I'll know

when I see it,

when I feel it,

when I smell it,

and when I do, I'll weep

for me,

weep for you,

weep for the world,

weep for everything imaginable,

weep for dusty roads,

and highways,

weep for new clouds,

and new adventures,

weep for weep,

weep for weep's sake.

for this I will sleep and wake.

Dear Ginsberg,thank you.

I can't write tonight. But I found this poem in one of my poetry books and wanted to share. I promise to update more tomorrow.

goodnight dear ones.

reflected in their eyes

2006-10-10T00:11:00.000-04:00

I had a dream the other night. After reading Echo just before I fell asleep.

" As soon as my eyes closed I was falling through the air. I crashed into the ocean. I dreamt of my body impossibly tangled under water writhing in seaweed and tentacles, cut by jagged shells.

I dreamt of my toes becoming the roots of a tree,my arms extending,growing leaves,becoming branches,my hair a bouquet of fruit blossoms."

My muscles felt heavy,afraid to get up. And standing above me were my daugter,my nephews and my neice. They were staring at me with huge glassy orbs.

And I was reflected in the mirrors. I was reflected in their eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I have nothing more to say tonight. My mind is sleeping peacefully inside of my head.

I love you dear ones. Sweet dreams.

partial quotes from the book Echo

a nice sunday drive

2006-10-08T22:11:00.000-04:00

Today Chip and I decided to take a drive out to see his parents and take a few pictures in Bardstown. For those of you not already living in Kentucky or unaquainted with it's geography,Bardstown is this beautifull little town about 45 minutes south of Louisville. It's filled with historical landmarks and old Civil War monuments. At any time of the day it is not unexpected to pass a horse and buggy.

There is a little village. An actuall Civil War meuseum and a slope you can walk down where there is a mini village complete with stream running through and a tiny bridge. I'm not sure if it is an acutall village or a replica of what once was. Anyway a month or so after we began dating Chip and I drove up there one day and as soon as I saw it I was itching to get some pictures. I finally did.

This is a shot from the top of the small hill. I wanted to walk down and go through the houses so bad. But Aiva was sleeping and it wasn't open to walk through at that time of day.
As a little girl I was obsessed with doll houses so seeing a set up of minature houses caught my attention the moment I first saw it.

We also went by the Heaven Hill Distillary. They are these Huge white structures with tiny windows in a row spanning it's entire length. But the beautiful part is just below the windows. It's black and smudged and seems to be running from beneath the window sill. I don't really know what it is caused from but it's beautiful, it looks like a big charcoal painting.

What an amazing photographer I am,you can see me taking the picture in the side mirror of the truck,lol! Sorry Alissa, I do your art such an injustice,lol.
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After taking pictures we stopped at this little barbecue place,Brians Hogwild Barbecue. It's the second time in my life I've had it. The first time being with Chip a few months ago,lol. I guess it's not a New York thing maybe? But mmm is it good. I ordered Aiva a grilled hot dog and chips. So pointless, she sat on my lap and consumed at least half of my barbecue a few fries drenched in catsup and a good portion of green beans(she was always good with vegetables,but then if you've seen Aivas belly you'd know she's been good with just about every sort of food out there :grins:).

After lunch we walked outside and there was a man towing,or I should say being towed by,a huge St. Bernard. Aiva screamed "Puppy!! RUF! RUF!". So we walked over and let her pet the extremely huge "puppy". Aiva put her face right down by his like she does Angel and sluurrp, his tongue went right up the side of her face. She loved it.

After having lunch and being drenched in slobber we headed out to his parents. After convincing Aiva that the kitty would still be there when we went out later and that it was ok to leave her outside for a few minutes we headed inside and visited with his dad for a few hours.

However,during our visit we went for a drive around his parents property in their golf cart. Aiva has to get atleast one ride in every time we go up. We drove by the small pond and stopped to take a picture when Chip noticed a turtle ambling up the small enbankment. It was the absolute cutest thing.(I collect anything having to do with turtles or tortoises. I had a turtle when I was very young and a tortoise from 8-18). We took a few pictures and I wanted to keep it but we were unsure if it was a snapping turtle or not. Anyway I doubt I could succesfully replicate such surroundings and anyway he or she could have a family. So here's a picture of the little sweetie.

So that was my Sunday. It was a great day,spent it good company.

(below are a couple more pictures from Bardstown)

The serenity of silence

2006-10-07T23:56:00.000-04:00

At some point,during the Tornado that is life,you reach the eye of the storm. Life in it's many complex forms swirls around and attempts to sweep you away. And more often than not you find yourself caught up in the confligeration. But every once in a while you reach the center of it. You reach a moment of absolute silence inside of yourself. Have you ever heard complete silence? It is the most beautifull sound.

It is a moment of introspection. A moment of discovery and appreciation.

And it makes me think.It's been so long since I've prayed. Since I took advantage of the quiet and thanked God for all that I do have,instead of worrying about what I do not have. It makes me think back on life growing up and it seems the best times were when we were short on money. When it seemed the worlds sense of vertigo had finally grabbed ahold and caused us to fall.

I remember a day about ten years ago. I had come home from school to find my mom on her knees in the living room crying. My ever sick father had his arms wrapped around her. At first I thought they were talking. I tried to creep into the kitchen quietly,but then I realized that they were praying. I turned the corner and stood there listening.

"...we've got a roof over our heads,food in our mouths and four beautifull children. The rest will work instelf out. Trust me. Trust him."

And that was the point when I realized that although my mom handled the bills and did the carpooling. That even though she handed out the lunches and the spankings,my dad was really the back bone. Sure she held up work, bills,4 children and a husband battling diabetes. But who was holding her up?

I found a new compassion for my mom and admiration for my dad that day.

I look at my daughter and think of all the fear felt while being pregnant. But then I think of the giggles and the sound of her voice when she says "Mommyyyy". All the smiles and mini milestones and I couldn't love her more.

I look at Chip and I get that same warm feeling as when I walked into the living room that day so long ago.

And I thank God for these moments. For how very blessed I am. I thank him for a quiet spirit,for the serenity of silence.

Random pictures

2006-10-06T23:13:00.000-04:00

So here is my little peanut Aiva Ki-ki. This was taken early September when Chip and I went to New York to see my family. Normally Aiva will not go on anything at the park. She's scared of everything. The slide and swing are ok,but only if mommy goes on it with her. But when she saw the chicken swing she freaked out. I couldn't get her off it for about 45 minutes.

So while at work today Chip said he was going to figure out how to place pictures on my page so now I'm all excited and going to just fill this entire entry with random pictures.

This is Chip and Aiva strolling down the path bordering Niagara Falls. We stayed on the Canada side. Actually Aiva was having a fit because she was ready for nap time. Chip thought that if we let her walk a while she'd be ok. That worked for about 5 minutes.

I had to include this picture because it's just so amazing. This was the view from our Hotel room! We woke up and walked to the window and this is what we saw. This view is actually what is considered the New York side. Off to the left covered in mist is the Canadian side or the Horseshoe falls.

This is the Horseshoe. Isn't that gorgeous? I wish I had a fraction of Alissa's skills when it comes to photography,then you'd be able to fully see it and clearly. Anyway it was beautifull.

This next picture is actually for Alissa. I wish I had focused it better,but it was taken at the last second. This is the bridge connecting the United States to Canada. As soon as I took it and reviewed I was like "She would love this". Hope you do like it.

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Enough of random pictures. Yesterday Chip dug a scarf out of his basement and handed it to me. It's a pretty striped scarf. And last night we found the sunglasses that were once Nick and Drews. Aiva decided she had to have them on. Then she spotted the scarf. I grabbed the camera and she said "Cheeeese". What a ham. I'll leave those pictures at the bottom of the page.

Today has been another one of those days where at moments it would be easy to become overwhelmed. But I keep thinking of our conversation yesterday and I smile. And my heart feels warm and my stomach does this wierd fluttery thing and the stress dissipates.

Thank you so much honey for being in my life.

All the clouds gather rain

2006-10-05T23:10:00.000-04:00

Saturated

Jared Draughon

Classic Case

I will sail until the ocean brings me closer to a land

that welcomes me.

Soon the tide will rise and wash away the island where

I'll die a cast away.

Meet me down by the water.

Don't beleive in the calm before the storm.

My mind is saturated by the rain that keeps leeking indoors.

The flood will fill the atmoshphere,I'll stay onboard until

the coast is clear.

Meet me down by the water.

Don't beleive in the calm before the storm.

My mind is saturated by the rain that keeps leeking indoors.

Hurricanes seem to stare me down while drowning me.

Now the air eveporates into water everyday.

All the clouds gather rain as they drift toward me insisting that

they won't quit till I'm washed away.

Meet me down by the water.

Don't beleive in the calm before the storm.

My mind is saturated by the rain that keeps leeking indoors

It is Thursday morning. After receiving a phone call from my mother last night telling me I wasn't needed to watch my sisters children this morning,I'm surprised by a phone call.

"Hey Shir,you awake" my moms groggy voice comes to me from the phone I have tucked to my ear beneath the pillow slung over my face.

I grin. My mom always asks such obvious questions.

"Yeah mom."

I look over to the red flourescent light,squinting. 8:06. And she wants me there by 8:30. So much for a day off. I jump up and get a few things put together. Grab Aiva's diaper bag,Aiva, and I'm out the door.

I get to my sisters and begin the chasing around,the putting up, the diapers and the runny noses. The bottles and cuppies and "Mommy pease?","Sheewa,now!".

It all blends till Chip calls me. The kids are all sitting in a circle watching a cartoon ,blessedly calm.

"Hey honeybear,you ok?"

I relax and lay back closing my eyes for the 37 seconds before I surely feel a tug on my pant leg.

"Hi sweetie. I'm glad you called. I miss you"

He asks if I want to go for a drive and maybe to dinner when I'm done. I smile and say atleast a drive. To get to talk to him for more than the few minutes we catch at night will be nice.

It's eventually time to leave and the pebble that has been slowly gaining momentum now seems a huge boulder rushing at me and not far off. I feel the atmosphere pushing me down into the pavement.

I get back and we load up,get Aiva back into her car seat and head out. She's asleep before we leave the main road. Chip looks over and grabs my hand.

" I love you honeybear"

"I love you too"

We drive for about 45 minutes. He points out land marks and sights. He points to the trees and says that it's leaf season. I think of the beautiful colors the trees must be up north by now.

We eat at a place called Rafferty's. Grilled chicken and cheese and lettuce wrapped up in a Spinach wrapper. Mmm. We finish and head out again.

As we hit the highway he looks over at me. No mincing words this time. He's seen a difference in me this past week. And it hurts to hear my worries and fears from him, to know that I've been so transparent. The tears burn the back of my throat,but not in retrobution or judgment. Just simple overwhelming emotion.

"You worry about everyone but yourself. In my world there is my family,you and Aiva and then me. But in yours it's everyone else and no you. You have to take time for yourself. You've been so quiet,bottling everything up inside. That's not my honey bear". My heart drops to my toes and I feel a tear slide down. He's right and those five words hit me harder than the thousand words that came before them.

"....You're not happy. And that means I'm not doing my job" he says,a little more emotion creeping into his voice. And my heart thuds again. If only he knew how he keeps my head above the water.

"It's not you. You make me happy. I'm just worried about my job and finding day care for Aiva ,and when I get scared all my other insignificant fears come out and jump on the pile until it's a mountain."

"But it is me. If you're not happy then it means I'm not doing my job at making you happy. And that hurts my heart because I've never been so happy in all my life than since I've been with you."

The sound of rumbling slowly fades into the distance. The boulder shrinks back to it's normal size and I smile. My cheeks feel raw from the unused expression.

And I look over at him. The trees fly by behind him,becoming a green and brown and yellow blur and I fall in love with him again. And I take this moment and capture it and file it neatly away in the place in my heart where such things belong.

And I feel like I can't say a word, that if I open my mouth a tidal wave will pour forth and I won't be able to stop it. So I whisper "I know" and I look at him with all the love I feel inside of me and he understands.

By time we reach his front door my spirit feels once again my own. Recognizable and full with the knowledge that no matter how hard I try the world simply will not fit on mine or anyone elses shoulders. But that if I should try, his are right there to help me bare the weight.

We get out and get a giggling little girl screaming "Angel"(chips dog) out of the back seat. I put the sunglasses that Nick and Drew so charitably passed down,on her little nose and wrap my scarve around her neck.

"Fewww,wooo" Chip whistles.

"Hoo,Hoooo!" Aiva mimicks him.

She walks toward the porch and climbs up chanting Angels name. Chip reaches over my shoulder and holds the door while she ambles in. He grabs my arm just as we enter,the door shutting behind him. I look up questioningly. He wraps his free arm around my shoulders and hugs me tight. He kisses the top of my head and say's..

"ok?"

"I'd be crazy with out you,you know that right? Thank you sweetie"

"No problem. Just remember you don't have to do this alone anymore. I love you honey bear".

"All the clouds drift towards me insisting that they won't quit

till I'm washed away"

But sometimes you have to let the clouds sweep you up and wash you back to the shore. The place of understanding, no matter what. Home.

the perfect second...

2006-10-03T23:49:00.000-04:00

I fall asleep watching television and wake up about 1:30 am.

If ever I wake having fallen asleep in front of the t.v. everything for a few moments seems to hover. Time, the characters in the t.v. screen. I shake my head and slowly lift my 23 three year old bones(which by the way more often than not,feel atleast 4 times that) out of the deep chair.

I drag my feet back to the bedroom and climb in beside Aiva. I smooth her hair back away from her face and kiss her soft cheek. She sighs deeply. And I smile.

I lay my head down and suddenly all the cobwebs of sleep instantly vanish. And I know. It's going to be another one of those nights.

Filled with counting the ceiling tiles, tracing shadows shapes in the corner,reciting poems and random movie quotes in my head.

So I lie there,watching the minutes slowly change in the flourescent red alarm clock on the table. Beside my bed. And I see how close I can get to counting the perfect second.

Mississippi one...

Mississippi two...

Mississippi three...click,click,click

and I think about my last day in New York. My last night in my last bed in New York. Waking up and opening my eyes to sunlight and clouds and tree tops. (My room was an attic that spanned the entire length of that old Calonial House that had at some point through time been stransformed into and upstairs and down stairs apartment.) My mom and I moved into it a few years after my dad passed away. As my eldest sister drifted up North to Massachusettes. As my second eldest sister drifted down to Florida. And my brother went away to College a few hours north of us.

I think about walking down the stairs and loading my last few personal items into my moms pretty forest green two door car. My purse,a brush,a book and of course the ever present lipgloss.

I think about driving away. Watching my best friend and my god daughter wave at me from the side mirror. How I don't look back but smile as we turn a few corners and pass more than a few memories on our way to Route 17.

I think about my first night in this huge city. This huge city that has shrunk down and conformed to my shape. And feels more like home than home does anymore. I think about the miles passing. Huge green Spruce becoming flat open fields. Corn,tobacco and more than a few things I couldn't even name on close inspection.

I think about finding a job. About moving to the Highlands with my sister Natalie. Spending our days off taking long walks,making jewelry. Or just lying on our apartment floor on our backs,just knowing that if we stayed still enough or concentrated hard enough that we'd be able to guess the number between 1 and 100 that the other was thinking about.

And I think about my heart being so empty. And I think about my heart feeling broken. And I think of my heart mending again. Frightening and beautiful.

I think about upset stomachs and hours of crying. Feeling so absolutely alone. I think about seeing her for the first time. Counting her tiny fingers and toes, and how just the other day I picked on my mom for doing the same to me. I think about dirty diapers and clean diapers and "Why are these so expensive "??diapers. I think about paid bills and due bills and the Bufallo Bills. About time outs and time off. About what do I have to do tomorrow and wait...what did I do today?

I look over. To the red flourescent lights as the third number clicks to a 6.
It now reads 4:46.

And I look over at my Aiva. And I brush her hair back from her face and I kiss her soft little cheek. And I do this only to make sure she doesn't have a fever. But really mostly just to assure myself that some things are real

And I relax. I look up and begining counting the tiles. Counting slowly. Seeing how close I can get to the perfect second.

a moment alone

2006-10-01T22:33:00.000-04:00

I wake up to Aiva sitting on my chest smiling. I usually enjoy the way the sunlight streams in through the window behind her. But this morning I'm more than tired. My essence feels lax. My inner workings nailed to the floor beneath the mattress.

She jumps up and lands down hard. Square down on the spot where I'm sure my diaphram must be.And the air whooshes out of my lungs and my eyes pop open.

"Mommy!" she schreeches and grins again.

She proceeds to lie down flat on my stomach. Grab my cheeks between both still dimpled, pudgy little hands,forhead to forhead. And kiss me three times in a row.

She does this because she knows if she wakes me up in a good way, As opposed to a cuppy smack in the middle of my forhead and "Mommy,cup now!",that she'll get more than a..."Aiva Keori!". That she'll get a few kisses, and a tummy tickle. A few minutes of cuddling before we get up to start the day.

This is my first favorite part of the day.

The second favorite part of my day comes when I first see Chips face. No matter if we said good night with a kiss or with a sleepy wave or with a grrr,bad day look. The first time I see him he's always got a big smile on his face. And usually a "Hey honey bear" or "Hi babe!".And best of all his arms open for a hug. Usually Aiva gets the first one.

And after time alone today,as my little munchkin slept peacefully a few rooms away,time spent worrying. Always. About bills,about present job, and the stress that goes into looking for a new one. About if I'm half the Mom I should be/would be/could be. If I'm half the Mom my Mother was and is. If I make him happy. If I make him happy like my Dad always made sure my Mom was. If I have the will and faith and strength and talent and beleif that I should.

But then a few hours later. I watched Aiva sit on the floor and color quietly. I watched Chip watching the game with a worried wrinkle on his forhead. And all the worries that began on Thursday June 2nd,1983 until Sunday October 1st, 2006.... Slid from my shoulders back into the pit of my stomach. Waiting until October 2nd,2006 to resurface once again.

They both looked at me. Almost simultaneaously. And both, with a smile.

So I figure I'll worry about everything tomorrow. And let the smiles be enough for today.

new beginings

2006-10-01T00:52:00.000-04:00

Since this is the first post letting you get to know me a little. And since it is nearly 1 o'clock in the morning. I'll leave something short.

(Not to mention Chip keeps saying things like. "honey" and "Honey, I love you" and "Honey,you're not paying attention to anything I just said to you,are you?".Which means it's time to get off of the computer and spend a few minutes with my honey)

I found this the other day while searching through random quotes and poetry on a neat little site I accidently stumbled upon.
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the velveteen2006-09-27 - 11:22 p.m.

From "The Velveteen Rabbit" by Margery Williams

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

~isn't it beautiful.

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Goodnight dear ones.