Sunday, January 21, 2007

i used to...

when I was younger i used to be as quiet as i could be.
trying to blend into the back ground
all growing up i had one good friend that i was stuck to...
this one friend understood me in some way and i clung to them for strength

in kindergarten and first grade it was tiffany
by second grade it was hollie until fifth grade
that year i met quiana and she lasted until seventh when i met alison
alison became my support and life line from 7th until just after high school when i moved away

alison was the longest support my "weakness" needed.....out of all of these girls
alison is the only one i still speak to regularly...i still consider my friend
alison was also the one who needed me most....so we kind of needed each other
emotionally,mentally....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

what does that mean?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

when I was born i was born with a hurnia(sp wrong? i know) because of this i wasn't allowed to cry or strain
until it was healed. well....i was a screamer. being the youngest my siblings and mother and father took turns holding me and rocking me and entertaining so as not to upset anything. well.....i was a screamer. i ended up in the hospital four times the first year...having ripped it. the doctor finally told my mom..."If you have to stand on your head to keep this child happy and not screaming you do it...she can not be back in here again or we're going to have to undergo mayjor surgery"....

I went home....my family proceeded to stand on their heads. making up "watermellon baby" songs that my dad jokingly sang to me until I was 13 or 14....crazy jig dances to keep me smiling....talk about spoiled! the begingings of heavy dependence?

~~~~~

but my dad was always very sick and by the time I was in 3rd grade I was terrified of sleeping in my room. sleeping instead between my mom and dad or outside their door with my fingers stretched under the sill....feeling as close to them as I could. I knew my dad was always slipping away and by that time the diabetes was so out of control atleast twice a week we were woken up by my mom crying or screaming or shaking us awake...."hurry! go get some sugar water and some peanut butter...NO no! he'll choke on that....just get three glucose tablets and crush them up in soda...orange juice..wahtever! and hurry!"....I'd come back to her lying half across him....his lips pursed like a child...tossing his head back and forth.

"Come on honey....drink just a little bit....we need to get this down you" my mom says

I look over to the blinking numbers on the blood sugar monitor that my mother has just used. 77 or 63 or 52 flashes on the screen. I know that is much too low and my heart speeds up. we know we have about 5 minutes of trying to persuade him in this state before it's time to call that number.......

I run up to the bed...my older sister next to me...wiping the gallons of sweat from my dads forhead.

"Come on daddy...just a little bit....do you want to go to the hospital....come on...just a little bit" and our eyes were gritty and our stomachs were upset and if we were lucky he'd open his mouth a little bit and get the heavy syrup to run sluggishly down his throat and he'd be ok. but sometimes...alot of the times.... that didn't happen. we had to call and the ambulance had to come and we had to miss school sitting up on the couch with the phone between nichole and stephen waiting for mom to call....to let us know if we were ever going to see our dad again.......

.....i've always been terrified of sleeping alone. i'm 23....nothing has changed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i was 15....we all know this story already....my dad finally slipped away....he finally had rest......and i felt lost and she felt lost....and didn't we all feel just a little lost?

he was always sick....but he was the back bone he was the faith and teh quiet strength

they all moved on....it was best.....leave the memories...leave the pain....heal your soul a little....i didn't begrudge them that.

so it was just mom and i ....until we moved here.

and she was a shell of the woman she had been....lost and crying and lying in darkened rooms for days on end..clutching his housecoat...afraid to wash it....afraid to lose his smell...

and i wasn't her daughter...she was mine...i wiped away the tears and helped her crawl out of hell and she's been my mother,daughter,best friend ever since.......but what dependence we all had....on each other....sometimes to an unhealthy point.....but thick or thin,right or wrong....this is me.....and my family has never told me I told you so and they've never not been there to pick me up............

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

relationship after relationship i drowned myself in these people. needing some kind of strength because i felt i had none. there was beauty and glitter and faired images on water and we healed each other...but the other relationships came and went......and i stood on my head and i did little jig dances...anything to keep them happy....gaining weight and losing weight and "That's not what i want".......they always said....but I didn't feel enough inside of my self...not realizng that my weakness was the very thing pushing them away and if I had to do these things to keep them happy (or so I thought) then what really was the point anyway?

and I had a child......and my god...my world came to a stand still and i looked down at her tiny 6 pound body cradled in my hands and her warm cheeks....her pudgy fingers and spiky black hair and i loved her from the very second i saw her. and I knew things needed to be different......this baby was going to depend on me for a long time...forever in some ways...and what was there to depend on if i was depending on every one else.....

I am not a baby with a condition anymore.....I am not a child afraid of losing one of her parents....i am not a child afraid the other kids will call her fat or ugly or nappy head......i am not a teenager afraid if she doesn't smile and bend over backwards and agree with every comment the boys won't like her....i am not an adult searching for myself in someone else....

my name is neshira....i am twenty three years old......i am "full figured" and lovely for it....my hair is brown and curly and riotous and soft and unmangeable....my eyes are hazel or brown or green or whatever.....my lips are very full.....i hate football and i hate baseball .....watching it,playing it,breathing it....it's there and it's never going to change....i love music and i love to dance when no ones watching and i go through 18 gallons of lip gloss a day.....i love eye make up....black or green or smokey gray and who cares if it's too much it's me and it's mine and i like it.....i love cheetos and pickles and crab meat and barbecue sauce and black raspberry ice cream it's bad but it doesn't hurt once in a while....i love to sing, i love to sing and sing and sing...in the shower...to my daughter....while i cook or do dishes and drive the car......my dream is to go to a tiny bar and sing a nora jones song to no one....just to say i did it....just to feel my feet on a stage and my hands around a microphone.....

i love dogs and turtles and lizards and fish and i don't like cats...they scare me....they're eyes and manners intimidate me and oh well.....i just don't like them..........i have large breasts and large hips and small feet and small hands and i love to tell stupid jokes and watch the rain and smell the rain and feel the rain and feel nature and beauty and love ALL the time.....i hate that television and telephones and work and bills take over life till we forget the color of the grass and the smell of the wind....because that's not life..that's not even living...that's necessary meaningless... and it chokes us and binds us to loves that will never love us back...

I smoke cigarettes...and it hurts my lungs and it's so bad for me and yes yes yes i should quit...and i will for my daughter if not for my self...but of all the necassary evils, give me a break....i love to hike and it makes me out of breath but i absolutely love love love it....i have 25 goals...written down to accomplish before i die and i've only accomplished 3...3!....but there will be time.

I love black clothes and I love home made clothes and i hate designer anything....and i'm borderline hippy and who cares....i love the taste of rum although i don't drink it hardly at all......and i hate doing dishes and i hate doing laundry and i hate taking out garbage but that's life and it doensn't really take up that much time anyway.......

I used to.....depend on everyone for the strength i thought i needed to absorb to live day to day life.....i used to.....but not anymore...i'm finding a quiet strength inside of myself that i think is one of the most beautifull things i've ever discovered...coming from a place of becoming

i used to........