Sunday, November 05, 2006

like sparrows

The clothes are laid out. Purple sweat pants, striped purple sweater. Small crisp white socks. Blinking sneakers. Diaper.

And the bag is packed. Two changed of clothes. Just in case. Diaper wipes. Two cuppies. Diapers.

My little Ki-ki begins Day care in the morning. Why am I so nervous!?

I'm afraid she'll cry and miss me too much. I'm afraid I'll miss her too much. I'm afraid she'll be mis understood. Or mistreated or too hyper or too sleepy. I'm afraid of letting go even 10% of my mommy responsibilites that wear me out but make me fall in love with her more and more each day. I'm afraid her food will be too hot or too cold. And isn't that silly?

I'm afraid the other kids won't be nice. Or she won't be nice. Or she'll want to come home as soon as she realizes I'm gone. I'm afraid I won't be able to leave. I'm afraid I'll cry. But mostly I'm afraid she'll have too much fun and not want to come home.

This is so silly. But it's been an emotional day. And I just want to cry right now. Knowing in just a few hours I have to leave her in the hands of complete strangers that don't love her and cherish her like I do. Grrrr. I'm worrying too much. Am I worrying too much?

Please comment! Helpfull suggestions or just reasurances. please.
here is a poem i wrote for Aiva about a year ago

by. NCH

And we danced above
like sparrows
above the beauty of the trees
my love
you and i

the heart of my essence
the essence of my soul
my little beloved

we spread our wings
flew above the breeze
and there was no more pain

finally i have found you
quaking deep within my belly
unsure of this world,
to welcome or stifle your tiny spirit

but it is here
beneath my hands
that you have found love
that it and I are yours
for all time

oh, my little beloved
the beauty of your face
keeps me weeping
the wonder of your presence
keeps me beleiving

in all of the passion
and life that I will teach you

and you are my love
my baby
my little beloved

and we will dance
my love
you and I

like sparrows
above the beauty of the trees

we will dance

love you all my dear ones. sweet dreams.