Tuesday, October 24, 2006

it fades into the distance...close my eyes

The t.v is on. volume set low. there are men running.grunting.tossing pig skin around I am sure. it fades into the distance. and i close my eyes.

the night outside is pitch.the moon a sliver of a crescent,clouds gathered around it. muting it's whitish glow. the street lights are on and buzzing I am sure. it fades into the distance. and i close my eyes.

beyond the street the cars flow fluidly.going home after a long day at work. returning home after traveling.picking up groceries.picking up children.picking up dust and forgotten things. most of them robotically performing these tasks I am sure.it fades into the distance. and i close my eyes.

the city around us is shutting down.turning off lights.locking doors.drudging to the drivers seats. falling into unmade beds. flicking off dusty lamps.dreaming up science fiction novels and award winning manuscripts.it fades into the distance. and i close my eyes.

across the nation. they close their eyes.brown eye lashes and blond eyelashes.pupils etched green and blue and grey. pale white porcelin skin and dusky skin and warm mocha skin. and isn't it beautiful. that we can view such loveliness. but it fades into the distance.and still I close my eyes.

the world revolves. hundreds and hundreds of miles an hour. yet all is suspended. put into movement only when we put into movement, and only then. and it makes me feel like my core is crying.like the center of my being is trying to learn,trying to understand all the secrets of this marvelous universe.but somehow it fades into the distance.

somehow the enormity of it all.

and still yet, the insignificance of it all.

somehow...somehow!

it fades into the distance.

and
i close my eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
this is as a whole, made up as I sit here. the lights turned low. the volume on the tv turned low. and i feel my eyes closing on me. doesn't it all just fade into the distance. sometimes I wish i were more spontaneous. to laugh at nothing. aloud. a huge smile on my face. the laughter fake or real. who cares. because it does just fade.really. this is only once. and this is only now.

it'll never be now,ever again.

sleep well. warm and comforted and always wanting,always yearning. my dear,dear ones.

....and I will be woman.

So after cleaning out my closet I found many,many poetry books from over the years. That is,books I've filled with poetry. I found a book with quite a few uplifting female friendly poems. It's so odd because I don't remember writing alot of these. Almost all of my poems,that being atleast 98%,are about either love,life or something depressing. But this is a book almost all full of positive,strong poems. I am surprised at myself. hmmm. so here are a few.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*No title
b.NCH

I will break free from the center of my constricting flower.
The petals will peel back and my beauty will shine forth and I will be woman. Complete unto herself.
I do not yearn for the flower, the pretty weak flower.
That is not who I am!
I do not yearn for the meager drops of rain when the storm will suffice.
I do not ache for the vase when the wilderness completes my conflicted soul.
I will not be plucked and put on display.
I will not wither within your walls and hang dried as a trophy.
I am woman. Whole and free.
I am not a flower,I am not a weed.
I am a tree.
Branching out.
Roots rich and deep.

~
*No title
by.NCH

my friends. they know a part of me. but they will never know who I am. they tell me I can't.but I will. I've built moutains within myself.

my family. they know a part of me. but they will never know who I am. they think I'm strong and sure.but I'm afraid. I've stumbled so many times.

myself. I know a part of me. but I will never know who I am. I'm certain and uncertain all at once. I've built mountains that I'm too afraid to climb. I've fallen but always retreive myself somehow.

will anyone everknow who I am.

who I really am?
~
*I am
by.NCH

I am the earth. Rich and deep. Consistent and true. The world birthed from my womb. Nurtured within the soil of my fertile body.

I am the air. Wild and free. Confident in my sex. Proud of my race. Bending and shaping all around me, but never willing to change.

I am the fire. Brillian,untamed. Striving towards the sun. Still a little afraid,but never settling for the cinders.

I am the water. Flowing around you,conforming my shape. I am the water. This great many faceted diamond ocean with unbeleivable depths.
~
Dear ones,

I have held so much back. afraid of what others will think. always,within myself. through out my entire life. held back. proof read and edited everything. but it is a time for truth. within myself. this is what i love. words.forming them. how can I be anything but honest with them. so I begin now. I will not edit. I will not change anything. pardon now if anything should upset or offend. this is my writing. these are my words and for better or for worse it is who I am.

I have strived forever to be honest in every day living. but what about my passions. don't they deserve just as much respect,if not more? yes.

good night and sweetest of dreams all of my dear ones.

love, shira