Thursday, October 05, 2006

All the clouds gather rain

Saturated
Jared Draughon
Classic Case
I will sail until the ocean brings me closer to a land
that welcomes me.
Soon the tide will rise and wash away the island where
I'll die a cast away.
Meet me down by the water.
Don't beleive in the calm before the storm.
My mind is saturated by the rain that keeps leeking indoors.
The flood will fill the atmoshphere,I'll stay onboard until
the coast is clear.
Meet me down by the water.
Don't beleive in the calm before the storm.
My mind is saturated by the rain that keeps leeking indoors.
Hurricanes seem to stare me down while drowning me.
Now the air eveporates into water everyday.
All the clouds gather rain as they drift toward me insisting that
they won't quit till I'm washed away.
Meet me down by the water.
Don't beleive in the calm before the storm.
My mind is saturated by the rain that keeps leeking indoors
It is Thursday morning. After receiving a phone call from my mother last night telling me I wasn't needed to watch my sisters children this morning,I'm surprised by a phone call.
"Hey Shir,you awake" my moms groggy voice comes to me from the phone I have tucked to my ear beneath the pillow slung over my face.
I grin. My mom always asks such obvious questions.
"Yeah mom."
I look over to the red flourescent light,squinting. 8:06. And she wants me there by 8:30. So much for a day off. I jump up and get a few things put together. Grab Aiva's diaper bag,Aiva, and I'm out the door.
I get to my sisters and begin the chasing around,the putting up, the diapers and the runny noses. The bottles and cuppies and "Mommy pease?","Sheewa,now!".
It all blends till Chip calls me. The kids are all sitting in a circle watching a cartoon ,blessedly calm.
"Hey honeybear,you ok?"
I relax and lay back closing my eyes for the 37 seconds before I surely feel a tug on my pant leg.
"Hi sweetie. I'm glad you called. I miss you"
He asks if I want to go for a drive and maybe to dinner when I'm done. I smile and say atleast a drive. To get to talk to him for more than the few minutes we catch at night will be nice.
It's eventually time to leave and the pebble that has been slowly gaining momentum now seems a huge boulder rushing at me and not far off. I feel the atmosphere pushing me down into the pavement.
I get back and we load up,get Aiva back into her car seat and head out. She's asleep before we leave the main road. Chip looks over and grabs my hand.
" I love you honeybear"
"I love you too"
We drive for about 45 minutes. He points out land marks and sights. He points to the trees and says that it's leaf season. I think of the beautiful colors the trees must be up north by now.
We eat at a place called Rafferty's. Grilled chicken and cheese and lettuce wrapped up in a Spinach wrapper. Mmm. We finish and head out again.
As we hit the highway he looks over at me. No mincing words this time. He's seen a difference in me this past week. And it hurts to hear my worries and fears from him, to know that I've been so transparent. The tears burn the back of my throat,but not in retrobution or judgment. Just simple overwhelming emotion.
"You worry about everyone but yourself. In my world there is my family,you and Aiva and then me. But in yours it's everyone else and no you. You have to take time for yourself. You've been so quiet,bottling everything up inside. That's not my honey bear". My heart drops to my toes and I feel a tear slide down. He's right and those five words hit me harder than the thousand words that came before them.
"....You're not happy. And that means I'm not doing my job" he says,a little more emotion creeping into his voice. And my heart thuds again. If only he knew how he keeps my head above the water.
"It's not you. You make me happy. I'm just worried about my job and finding day care for Aiva ,and when I get scared all my other insignificant fears come out and jump on the pile until it's a mountain."
"But it is me. If you're not happy then it means I'm not doing my job at making you happy. And that hurts my heart because I've never been so happy in all my life than since I've been with you."
The sound of rumbling slowly fades into the distance. The boulder shrinks back to it's normal size and I smile. My cheeks feel raw from the unused expression.
And I look over at him. The trees fly by behind him,becoming a green and brown and yellow blur and I fall in love with him again. And I take this moment and capture it and file it neatly away in the place in my heart where such things belong.
And I feel like I can't say a word, that if I open my mouth a tidal wave will pour forth and I won't be able to stop it. So I whisper "I know" and I look at him with all the love I feel inside of me and he understands.
By time we reach his front door my spirit feels once again my own. Recognizable and full with the knowledge that no matter how hard I try the world simply will not fit on mine or anyone elses shoulders. But that if I should try, his are right there to help me bare the weight.
We get out and get a giggling little girl screaming "Angel"(chips dog) out of the back seat. I put the sunglasses that Nick and Drew so charitably passed down,on her little nose and wrap my scarve around her neck.
"Fewww,wooo" Chip whistles.
"Hoo,Hoooo!" Aiva mimicks him.
She walks toward the porch and climbs up chanting Angels name. Chip reaches over my shoulder and holds the door while she ambles in. He grabs my arm just as we enter,the door shutting behind him. I look up questioningly. He wraps his free arm around my shoulders and hugs me tight. He kisses the top of my head and say's..
"ok?"
"I'd be crazy with out you,you know that right? Thank you sweetie"
"No problem. Just remember you don't have to do this alone anymore. I love you honey bear".
"All the clouds drift towards me insisting that they won't quit
till I'm washed away"
But sometimes you have to let the clouds sweep you up and wash you back to the shore. The place of understanding, no matter what. Home.