Sunday, October 01, 2006

a moment alone

I wake up to Aiva sitting on my chest smiling. I usually enjoy the way the sunlight streams in through the window behind her. But this morning I'm more than tired. My essence feels lax. My inner workings nailed to the floor beneath the mattress.

She jumps up and lands down hard. Square down on the spot where I'm sure my diaphram must be.And the air whooshes out of my lungs and my eyes pop open.
"Mommy!" she schreeches and grins again.
She proceeds to lie down flat on my stomach. Grab my cheeks between both still dimpled, pudgy little hands,forhead to forhead. And kiss me three times in a row.
She does this because she knows if she wakes me up in a good way, As opposed to a cuppy smack in the middle of my forhead and "Mommy,cup now!",that she'll get more than a..."Aiva Keori!". That she'll get a few kisses, and a tummy tickle. A few minutes of cuddling before we get up to start the day.
This is my first favorite part of the day.
The second favorite part of my day comes when I first see Chips face. No matter if we said good night with a kiss or with a sleepy wave or with a grrr,bad day look. The first time I see him he's always got a big smile on his face. And usually a "Hey honey bear" or "Hi babe!".And best of all his arms open for a hug. Usually Aiva gets the first one.
And after time alone today,as my little munchkin slept peacefully a few rooms away,time spent worrying. Always. About bills,about present job, and the stress that goes into looking for a new one. About if I'm half the Mom I should be/would be/could be. If I'm half the Mom my Mother was and is. If I make him happy. If I make him happy like my Dad always made sure my Mom was. If I have the will and faith and strength and talent and beleif that I should.
But then a few hours later. I watched Aiva sit on the floor and color quietly. I watched Chip watching the game with a worried wrinkle on his forhead. And all the worries that began on Thursday June 2nd,1983 until Sunday October 1st, 2006.... Slid from my shoulders back into the pit of my stomach. Waiting until October 2nd,2006 to resurface once again.
They both looked at me. Almost simultaneaously. And both, with a smile.
So I figure I'll worry about everything tomorrow. And let the smiles be enough for today.

new beginings

Since this is the first post letting you get to know me a little. And since it is nearly 1 o'clock in the morning. I'll leave something short.

(Not to mention Chip keeps saying things like. "honey" and "Honey, I love you" and "Honey,you're not paying attention to anything I just said to you,are you?".Which means it's time to get off of the computer and spend a few minutes with my honey)

I found this the other day while searching through random quotes and poetry on a neat little site I accidently stumbled upon.

the velveteen2006-09-27 - 11:22 p.m.

From "The Velveteen Rabbit" by Margery Williams

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

~isn't it beautiful.

Goodnight dear ones.